Much like fad diets, most of your exes likely offered inconsistency, were a real pain in the derrière, and left you with more extra baggage than you wanted to tote around. If the guys you’ve dated were fad diets, it might go something like this:
The Paleo Diet
Bros, barbells, babes.
3rd gym session? Down.
Post-workout protein bowl with extra protein. Wash that down with a protein shake to be sure you’re getting your protein.
You can’t seem to get him off your mind, mostly because he posts more selfies than the average dumbbell.
This guy will definitely be late to the first date – due to flexing for the perfect Instagram.
Should someone tell him that the cavemen didn’t have iPhones?
The Weight Watcher’s Diet
It’s best to remove all mirrors from the house with this one, ladies, or he may never leave.
He will take longer than you to get ready. Every. Time.
Why take a cute photo of date night when he can just take a selfie in his muscle car?
Played every sport in high school, was the best at all of them (duh), and still talks about it.
He does get along great with kids; likely because of the similar maturity levels.
The Military Diet
Ahh yes, we all know one (or 20) of these guys. He’s large and in charge… or so he likes to pretend.
Napoleon Complex is getting worse with age. Yikes.
His truck is alright, but put it next to his ego and suddenly it has a remote and plastic wheels.
If this guy had any room left to care about something other than himself, he totally would. Sir, yes sir!
The Baby Food Diet
It’s so thoughtful that he always plans out-of-town dates. He must just want some extra time on the road with you.
He didn’t answer your call last night because he was bathing his dog… for 5 hours.
As it turns out, compulsive lying is a nasty disease. Avoid it as all costs.
And somewhere along the way he may have forgotten to mention that you’re the other woman. Surprise!
The Whole Foods, 12 Glasses Of Water, And 8 Servings Of Fruit and Vegetables A Day Diet
Warning: you’ve been cat-fished.
This man is not a man at all, but possibly a unicorn.
Be sure to take the rainbow slide on your way out of dreamland.
Girls Just Want To Have Fun – And Eat Real Food – And Date Real Men
Life is too short to date men (boys?) that are comparable to unsuccessful years of dieting. If the guys you’ve dated were fad diets, you might actually stay away from fad diets; you might even try to like broccoli. Do yourself a favor and find the majestic-creature-of-a-man that is consistent in your life, and not just in his gym schedule. Also, if you could give me a call when you do and let me know where one finds – wait, did you read this because you wanted actual diet advice?
Well, this is awkward.