When you need information on the signs, you go to the experts. It’s no small feat exploring your zodiac sign and figuring out how it rules your life, so I know whenever I have an astrology question, I turn to the best horoscope account on the Twitter scene: @hornyscopes.
Using their expert guidance, I have developed the perfect guide of what your zodiac sign demands of you this morning. Do you really think you can fight the stars? Here’s what you should have for breakfast, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Black Coffee
If you’re an Aries like me, you don’t even want to slow down to think about breakfast. Wasting all that time just sitting and eating? Please, you need energy and you need it fast. Black coffee wastes no time with all the cream and sugar mess, and gets you doing what you need to do (which is probably skydiving or something else that raises your blood pressure) in a jiffy. What are you doing still reading? Start pouring.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Canadian Bacon
You know who you are Taurus: you’ve got some trust issues. You’ve had some bad times with eggs, avocado toast has let you down, and that one time at Denny’s has ended pancakes for you. Now breakfast makes you suspicious, but you love food. So why not solve both problems with one ham? I mean, why else would you go for anything less than some tasty, rich meat to start your morning? I know you’ll argue all day and all night that its not just ham, it’s freaking Canadian bacon, because you know you’re always right. Maybe it is just ham, but you know what? It’s good ham. Enjoy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Grapefruit
Well hello, Gemini. You probably didn’t get a lot of sleep last night because you were dissecting every emotion you’ve had in your brain since that weird encounter with that guy at the supermarket yesterday. He asked you if you wanted paper or plastic bags, but you thought he said he liked your hat, so you just stood there smiling saying, “thank you,” and he kept staring at you. So you thought maybe he was trying to make a move on you, and just as you were about to give him your number, he asked you again. And you actually heard him this time, and you realized he really didn’t care about your hat. Yeah. Some grapefruits should wake you up enough to get to your 8 am class, you’re welcome.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Oatmeal
Woah there, Cancer. I know you’re upset you’re even awake early enough that breakfast is still being served, but you’ve got things to do today. Oatmeal is the perfect choice for your breakfast food because it’s got lots of different flavors (even though you’ll probably only stick to one), it’s simple, and you won’t even have to leave your dorm to make it. The best part is, you won’t have to share small talk with anyone. Eat up, and try not to be so cranky if you use a little too much milk. You’ll get it right.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Orange Juice
Leo, Leo, Leo. You’re ready to start your day with a splash of color, because you never do anything boring. Milk? As if you’d drink anything white after Labor Day. Apple juice? It’s too dull for a star like you. But orange juice? You’ll start your day with some zing and pop, and probably even coordinate your outfit to match, because you’re the only person who’s okay with being stared at as you walk around in a bright orange ensemble. Why? Because you know you’re killing it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Granola
Your classes probably don’t start until 1 pm, but you’re already freaking out about not having enough time for breakfast. Why? Because you’re a Virgo, my dear friend. The good news is I have the perfect solution for you: granola. It’s simple, reliable, and practical, just like you. Don’t worry, you can plan out the night before whether you want to eat it with yogurt or not, or maybe if you even want it in the form of a bar, because we all know you love having a plan. Just please don’t keep yourself up all night worrying about it, you perfectionist, you.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Poptarts
You’ve tried it all — waffles, pancakes, french toast — you even went through a wild phase when you were super into juice cleanses. You loved them all, but you got bored, and had to dump them. Well, Libra, you’ve finally met your match. Poptarts are the perfect challenge for you because they come in so many different flavors, so you can spice up your mornings and never get bored. With your creativity, you’ll never have to give them the typical “it’s not you, it’s me” line, even if you don’t like the crusts.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Toast
Your stomach in the morning can sometimes act like you on a bad day: irritable. I know you can’t help it, you’re a Scorpio after all, but the best solution to grab something to fill your stomach and not let it backfire is some good old fashioned toast. You’re too complicated to leave it plain, so you can smother it in any toppings you like, but you can control all of the variables, which I know you love. Allow yourself to make some small talk alongside the toaster to prove that you’re not mad, you can just have a bad case of RBF from time to time. Spread your wings like that toast popping out of the toaster, and fly.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Croissant
You’ve probably eaten some seriously weird stuff for breakfast, Sagittarius. You’ve done the whole dinner for breakfast, and even the breakfast for dinner, but you love exploring and you love change, so you want to find something new. I also know you crave adventure, so why not allow yourself to be taken to Paris this morning? Munch on a croissant as you stroll through the quad and pretend you’re walking along the Seine River. I wouldn’t even put it past you to adopt a French accent for the day. I won’t even try to give you a breakfast idea that will last for more than a week because I know you’ll be onto something new by tomorrow. Bon voyage!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Cereal
You are a go-getter. You know what you want, and you’re determined to go after it with everything you have. I admire that, Capricorn, and I hope you make your way to that dream someday. But for now, you have to fill up that stomach so your brain can have some fuel to work through the day to do all the intimidating you have planned. I present to you: cereal. You don’t mess around, so I won’t try to spruce this up, because you probably won’t care. It’s some grains in a bowl with some milk in it. Go get em, tiger.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Breakfast Bar
No, not that kind of bar, I mean something like a granola bar or a protein bar, Aquarius. You probably don’t see an issue with waking up to a margarita or just some flat out shots of tequila, but I’m here to steer you in the right direction. You may be quiet, but you love to party, so here’s a piece of advice: save those bars for later tonight, and have a breakfast bar now. I know you’re smart, and you love having intellectual conversations, but it’s kind of hard to do that when you have a hangover. Chockfull of nutrients and lots of good stuff to keep you going, you’ll be ready for a deep discussion in class and partying hard all over again tonight.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Scrambled Eggs
You’re a free spirit, Pisces, you don’t need to be held down by the constructs of society and their perfectly organized plates of food. Since when has food become so thought out and planned that every little garnish has to be immaculately placed? You allow your food to construct itself as it wants. You don’t need perfection and puzzle pieces fitting into place, you want the creativity that every plate of scrambled eggs brings you. Just like snowflakes, no two plates of scrambled eggs are the same, and you cherish all the differences they bring. In Pisces talk, scrambled eggs “bring good vibes.” Keep vibin’.
You are the way you are for a reason. Every sign has the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I love you all anyways. These breakfasts are designed especially so nothing changes about your originality or personality, it just accentuates them. So pick up your breakfast, own your sign, and get ready to seize the day.