Too many Americans suffer from the devastating problem of having Tiny Hands. Tiny Hands can be a roadblock in everyday life and many victims constantly feel the urge to defend themselves whenever they go out into public. The real issue with Tiny Hands is that it makes eating a real pain. The size of the hands makes it extremely difficult to grasp onto things, like cheeseburgers or basic human decency.
Fear not, those with Tiny Hands! I’ve compiled a list of foods that are safe to eat with those tiny little grabbers you’ve got. By sticking to this list, you will no longer feel humiliation as you stuff your face, silencing yourself for a few glorious moments before you have the courage to speak again.
1. Macarons
These miniature French pastries are perfect for eating with Tiny Hands. Some people don’t like them too much, and they come in so many flavors and colors, it can be terribly overwhelming. Don’t get frustrated! Instead of braving into new territory and trying something new, stick to a flavor you know you’ll like.
2. Milkshakes
Milkshakes are perfect for anyone who has Tiny Hands because all you need to enjoy this creamy treat is your mouth. Popularized in the 1930’s, and back again in the 1950’s, this drink will remind you of all the nostalgia associated with the past. I would recommend a black and white milkshake, but plain vanilla will do if that’s too much.
Get a straw, drink up, and reminisce the simpler times, like the reign of Senator Joseph McCarthy or President Richard Nixon, they most likely had Tiny Hands too!
3. Vegan Bacon
Bacon is great for anyone with Tiny Hands, but sometimes it gets so dang greasy, you can’t hold it properly. Enter the perfect substitute, vegan bacon. Although, be warned! One bite and you may take on the traits of a vegan, like caring deeply about the environment and being overly argumentative about, well, everything. Thankfully, any person with Tiny Hands already argues whenever any issue is presented to them, whether they know information about it, or not.
4. Escargot
Now, I know escargot is expensive and hard to find, but you get to eat it with tiny forks! No more normal fork hassle, now there’s a fork that feels like it was made to suit your needs. Isn’t that great, when people make things to suit your individual needs as a human?
5. Chocolate Cake
Because who doesn’t love chocolate cake? Even those with the tiniest of hands love chocolate cake. Perfect to eat when making big decisions.
A person with Tiny Hands faces challenges every day. It’s a big, bad world out there. But, don’t fret! You’re not alone. Thousands of people around the world and throughout history suffered from Tiny Hands. You are part of the syndrome that affected Andrew Jackson, Mao Zedong, Gaius Caligula, and so many others. You are not alone as you try to deal with your baby-sized palms and phalanges.