If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you witnessed the tragedy (X2) that was Sunday’s Walking Dead premiere. If you’re like me, and your favorite character is no longer with us, don’t just take one piece of candy, eat the whole f*cking bag. Want to know what candy reach for? I’ve got you covered.
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
If your favorite character (was) Glenn – Twix
Yeah, same. It’s time to pull out the big guns and go for that king-size Twix bar that you probably got at some rich person’s house and wanted to save for when life gets really rough. That’s right now.
Just like Twix, Glenn (was) the perfect mix of everything you need for your typical apocalypse—a little sweet, a little practical, and and very stubborn—just like the caramel that’s inevitably going to get stuck in-between your teeth. And, just like Glenn and Maggie, Twix always come in pairs. Unless you bash one bar’s head in with Lucille.
If your favorite character is Michonne — Kit Kat
Grab a Kit Kat and grab a friend (who preferably still has both eyes) to share it with, since Michonne is all about sharing. Kit Kat’s aren’t the sweetest, but they’re a candy you can always count on; there’s never a time where you’d want to refuse a Kit Kat.
Unlike other candies, Kit Kats aren’t bent very easily, and they’re pretty darn strong. They also bear the namesake of Michonne’s favorite animal. Extra points if you break it in half using a samurai sword.
If your favorite character is Rick — Hershey
Like Rick, you probably didn’t ask for the Hershey bar that ended up in your pumpkin, but you’re also probably going to eat that Hershey bar, even if it wasn’t your first choice. That’s kind of how Rick became the leader of his apocalypse squad.
It should also be mentioned that The Hershey Company happens to own most of these Halloween candies. And, like Rick, that Hershey bar is going to get messy real fast.
If your favorite character is Daryl — Butterfinger
Grab a Butterfinger, and appreciate that, like Daryl, a Butterfingers are sweet, but that sweetness is offset by how nutty it is (in a good way). Also, like Daryl, Butterfingers are the best.
A little less sophisticated than other chocolate types, a well-earned king-size Butterfinger is the best thing about Halloween, just like Daryl Dixon is the best thing about the Walking Dead. Besides, if I had to choose a candy to carry my dead body out of a hospital, I’d choose a Butterfinger.
If your favorite character (was) Abraham — Reese’s
I am so sorry. The best thing you can do is to honor his last words, “Suck… my… nuts,” by sucking on some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead.
Another nutty candy for a delightfully nutty (and wonderfully profane) character: the orange packaging and hair are just bonuses for both Reese’s and Abraham. “Take it like a champ,” eat the whole bag, and Rest in Peace.
If your favorite character is Carol — Almond Joy
Unlike Daryl and Abraham, who are slightly nutty, Carol has her moments where she seems pure nuts. Despite this, she’s still one of the most comforting characters on the show, doing what she thinks is best for the group.
An Almond Joy bar best represents this combo of comfort, nuts, and non-conforming. Look at the flowers, close your eyes, and take a huge bite. If that’s not your style, you could always turn them into cookies.
If your favorite character is Negan — Tootsie Roll
If your favorite character is Negan, you either (1) “find the villain the most interesting” because you’re pretentious or a cinema studies major, (2) are maybe a psychopath, or (3) are just super into Jeffery Dean Morgan’s acting. Either way, enjoy a Tootsie Roll.
It’s not that Negan isn’t a good character (he’s a great character), but right now, you need to think about who’s really suffering and trade that prized Kit Kat to your friend who’s crying because her candy sucks and all of her favorite characters are dead.
If you’re nice later, maybe you can have a Blow Pop… or a blow to the head. Let’s hope the next episode is less traumatic, but if not, at least we’ll have candy.