A life before the Real Housewives franchise is a life I do not want to live. Season after season, Bravo manages to gather the most insane human beings that have ever existed. Of course, they aren’t all as insane as they appear on TV (some definitely are), but either way it makes for great television. Every episode includes fighting, hilarious one-liners, and some pretty terrible outfits.
But all of this can’t be done without alcohol. Alcohol should get credit on IMDb or something because it’s really a shining star in every city. It feels like half of the women have now even produced their own alcohol brands. There seems to be a new housewife-branded wine every season, but it’s better than a nail polish line and a blog.
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May I remind you, Kristen’s OG tagline was “I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty!” These women would probably do some ridiculous things sober, but the alcohol just makes it so much more entertaining.
Pinot Grigio
Anyone who has seen as little as one episode of the Real Housewives of New York would know that Ramona Singer loves her Pinot Grigio. She must have it wherever she goes, or else (the or else is not a pretty sight).
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And we can’t forget the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills spinoff, Vanderpump Rules. Lisa Vanderpump owns restaurants Villa Blanca and Sur in LA, and has said “Villa Blanca is where you take your wife, Sur is where you take your mistress.” So yeah, a lot goes down at Sur where Pump Rules takes place. Including this unforgettable moment:
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Please stop showing up in new episodes, Stassi.
Champagne
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We all know that Real Housewive of Orange County Heather Dubrow loves a good glass of champs. The other women on every branch drink champagne, but no one has the passion like Heather. Champs is to Heather as Pinot Grigio is to Ramona.
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We love Heather, and we love how perfect she is. Let’s raise a glass of champs to Heather.
Red Wine
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This table flip is the OG disaster of Real Housewives “Dinners from Hell.” Plenty of drinks came out of the bar on this occasion, but it was even more memorable seeing the red wine stained tablecloths. We’re real glad Teresa is home from her year in jail so Real Housewives of NJ can be good again tbh.
Tequila
While a lot of this housewife drinking is on the lighter side, these women can drink. And we know that any time Vicki and Tamra from the Real Housewives of OC get together, there is always gonna be tequila shots.
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And who could forget this night that the goal of the night was to get Gretchen “naked wasted?” Tequila helped this escalate into the spectacle that it was.
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Who doesn’t love a little manipulation and teenage sons involved? Let’s not forget that this is the Evil Eye era. Ah, the memories.
Vodka
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Spending so much time with all of these women is hard work, so we feel you NeNe.
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Even Lisa Vanderpump has had too much, and has turned to vodka. It’s a tough life out there. Especially the all women vacations on remote islands. Because things like this happen:
Thotland
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There was also that time that Porsha thought the underground railroad was literally an underground train with a conductor. It’s likely that they were all sober on that tour, but let’s pray that Porsha was drunk.
Gone with the Wind Fabulous
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Life does not twirl on, Kenya. That’s not a thing.
Anything with Kelly Bensimon
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Bethenny is always the voice of reason, especially when the New York housewives decide to forget their brains back in the states.
Pretty much any alcohol
These women don’t discriminate when it comes to alcohol. If you’re in need of something to drink for your housewives marathon, literally anything with alcohol in it will suffice. Every housewife is complicated, but their desires are simple.
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RIP Real Housewives of Cheshire. You guys knew how to throw down better than anyone.
No alcohol?
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Dina is of of the 1%, who doesn’t drink as a real housewife. Fortunately enough for the viewers, the other women don’t agree with this mantra. But then again,
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Thanks for being relevant for once in your housewives career, Lizzie.
Moral of the story:
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