Americans Would Rather Risk E. Coli Than Go Without Chipotle

The satirical website gomerblog.com recently published an article saying a study conducted at the University of Colorado found that the majority of Americans would rather die from E. coli in their food at Chipotle than to never eat Chipotle again.

While the study is not real, I shared the news with my friends to see what they thought of the “findings.” Each one of them said something along the lines of, “I guess I’d rather die than not eat Chipotle.” That’s when I realized there might be truth behind this hypothetical study.

With the news of Americans getting E. coli from eating Chipotle, you’d think Chipotle-ers would cool off from the burritos for a bit. That is clearly not the case considering the line outside of the restaurant chain is 10 people deep every morning at 10:50 am. Never too early for some guacamole, am I right?

If you’re sitting there thinking, “I’m down for a burrito bowl with a side of E. coli,” I admire your dedication. And if you’re sitting there thinking, “Wait, there’s E. coli at Chipotle?” then you should probably get out more. While you’re out, give Chipotle’s Asian counterpart a try and culture yourself.

The satirical study explained, “The majority of the U.S. populous find the taste and flavor of Chipotle burritos and bowls so delicious, that they would literally accept death’s embrace than to forgo the scrumptious Mexican food.”

Even without real evidence, it’s pretty easy to believe. Obviously a chicken burrito bowl with brown rice, no beans, mild salsa, lettuce, cheese, light sour cream, and guacamole on the side is worth way more than living itself. In the small chance you’d rather live and eat something else, try our E. coli-free recipe and recreate the Chipotle burrito bowl at home.

Over here at Spoon, we’re still trying to decide whether this relatable satire piece says more about how good Chipotle is or how screwed up Americans’ priorities are. The idea that people would risk their lives for a burrito instead of ordering a sandwich is a little upsetting. But then again, the thought of never sinking your teeth into that perfect distribution of meat, rice, and beans is upsetting as well.

The real question here is, “Why do American’s love Chipotle so much?” Is it because they put crack in their food? Probably not (they don’t put crack in their food). While we can’t answer this question on behalf of all of America, we can give a little insight from the college perspective.

For starters, it’s cheap. For less than $10, you can get a burrito bigger than your face, and that’s including the $1 extra for guacamole. If you find yourself spending too much money at Chipo-po, stop ordering so much food or try one of these 8 tips to get your money’s worth at Chipotle.

Whatever you order, you know you’ll be satisfied without hurting the piggy bank. And when they have to double wrap your burrito to keep it all together, you know you’ve really won big.

Second, there’s a ton of flavor and a ton of options. Chipotle has something for everyone at any mood. If you’re “dieting,” try a salad; if you’re hungry AF, then get a burrito with a tortilla on the side; if you wake up hungover to a text from yourself the night before saying, “let’s get a good lunch tomorrow,” you can get a cheesy quesadilla.

If that hasn’t happened to you yet, I promise it will. It happens to the best of us. At chipotle, you know exactly what you’re getting and you know it’s going to blow your mind.

If you’re craving Chipotle by now, you’re not alone. However, we are in no way responsible for any E. coli you may get if you choose to eat Chipotle after reading this. This can be classified as “eat at your own risk,” and apparently most of America is willing to take that risk. Talk about loyalty.

Good for you Chipotle, you go.