Ah, 16 Handles, the frozen yogurt chain which so many of us love. It lets you enter a real life Willy Wonka factory and perfectly hits the spot when you need to fulfill those sweet tooth cravings. However, there are always people who will threaten your 16 Handles experience, which you have been longing for all damn day. (Yes, daily trips are totally normal. You are not alone.)
Next time you pay a visit to 16 Handles, don’t let these people that everyone secretly hates ruin your experience.
The Health Nut
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Let’s be honest – you probably wish you were this person. Heading straight for the low fat and reduced sugar flavors, this person adds only fruit as toppings. You’re probably jealous that she has such restraint (with a wealth of sugar-infused treats staring right at her), but you can at least rationalize your less nutritious choices since your yogurt will never let you down in flavor.
Then you think, “Hey, maybe one day I’ll actually skip the chocolate chips and peanut butter cups and see what it’s like to inhale the purity of the plain yogurt coupled with a mountain of fruit.” You’ll try it once, realize the dream is over, and crave the sugar rush once more.
The Mad Man
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This person might be a first-timer and is simply overwhelmed, or they suffer from extreme indecisiveness. Simply put, this customer just can’t make a choice and has an unobtainable goal of fitting all 16 flavors into one cup. It ain’t happening, man.
It doesn’t even cross his mind what the flavor combination profile will be until after he finally makes his payment and dips his spoon into the hodgepodge of flavors that really shouldn’t be eaten together. You will then watch this person take on the futile task of keeping all his flavors separate, at which point he will simply shrug and accept his creation for what it is. A disaster.
The Topper Stopper
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On a mission to finally fulfill their belated “kid in a candy store” phase, this person strides in with her eyes wide open, pausing before the toppings counter to take in the abundance of colors and sugar-infused concoctions.
She doesn’t care about the calories – she just wants to fit as many toppings into her bowl as possible. That, or she needs a sugar fix before an all-nighter and feels like being more creative than the typical Red Bull shot.
You’re probably glaring at this person, looking at your watch, while slowly inching into her line of vision so you can attempt to project some semblance of guilt, so she will just hurry up and finish up already.
The Artist
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Crouching down to level themselves at the perfect height, this person will spend much too long finding the exact position underneath the dispenser to achieve that perfect swirl we all see on Instagram.
After segueing to the topping counter, he then proceeds to take exactly three kinds of fruit, which are equally distributed around the perimeter of the yogurt’s peak, in addition to a variety of sugary toppings which he carefully sprinkles over the top.
This person is channeling his inner artist, and you can’t help but stare. His creation is food art at its purest form.
The Thief
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This person has one goal and one goal only: free samples. He opens the door, sometimes with that guilty expression, marches up to the counter, asks for a few sample cups as if he is really trying to make a decision, and heads over to the back.
Once he’s sampled all of the flavors, he bolts to the door as the employee’s back is turned. And to be truthful, you either glare at him or stare at him longingly, wishing you had the guts to do the same.
The Instagrammer
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Completely out of touch with reality, this person goes to 16 Handles for the sole purpose of taking pictures. You will probably see her sitting down at a table where she incessantly changes the angle of her bowl and phone to get the perfect shot. Once she’s finally achieved a picture of acceptable quality, she then proceeds to spend 15 minutes adjusting the filter, brightness, saturation, etc.
Meanwhile, you’re at the table next to her, rolling your eyes since she hasn’t even looked up to notice that their frozen yogurt has become the soup with fruits and chocolate chips floating around.
The Old Timer
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You might initially be annoyed at this person, but then it unexpectedly turns into a subtle fascination. The old timer strolls in at his own pace, looking all around at the bright colors.
After he’s made his way to the frozen yogurt flavors, he enters the stance with both hands behind his back as he carefully reads each label and studies the dispenser machine. He looks at it if he’s never seen something so fascinating before – either that or he thinks it’s some kind of machine left over from World War II.
The Tantrum Terror
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These creatures can ruin your entire frozen yogurt outing – and they only stack up to the height of your hips. These little kids will probably come into the store, running straight for the yogurt flavors, bumping into you, not even noticing that you were there.
Their mother will finally catch up with them and crouch down to tell them to behave. The child will respond by projecting an enormous scream, which fills the room and seems to last forever. You then, along with a handful of other customers, evacuate the store and finish your yogurt outside on the crowded streets. Yep – you were just banished by a 5-year-olds.
The Couple
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You first will see a guy on his phone waiting by the door, wondering why he just won’t get his yogurt already. Then it all clicks when a girl appears in front of him and he subtly smiles and puts his hand out to lead her towards the frozen yogurt flavors.
The couple will ask for some sample spoons and spend the next 20 minutes talking to each other, laughing and trying different flavors. The girl will then ask repeatedly, “I just can’t decide, what do you think I should get?” You either wish you were that girl or you’re cringing at how repulsive love really is.
*CUE ALL THE EYE ROLLS.*
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