The Pop-Tart aisle of Stop and Shop is my happy place. Looking at all of the flavors gives me a truly satisfying sense of how many possibilities the world holds. I have felt this way since I was a child, but as the daughter of two health nuts, the closest I got to Pop-Tarts were Trader Joe’s Real Fruit Blueberry Toaster Pastries.
Needless to say, Pop-Tarts have held my fascination as forbidden fruits of sorts (even if the forbidden fruits were artificial and pumped full of sugar). My fascination has turned academic since I entered college, so my quest to create the definitive ranking of all seventeen Pop-Tart flavors was not only science, but also the fulfillment of a lifelong prophecy.
So, without further ado, here are the rankings, as determined by a panel of the finest Spoon judges in the land. (The pastries were sampled in both toasted and un-toasted form, then ranked on a scale of 1 to 10 based on taste and texture.)
photo by Sarah Strong
17. Vanilla Cupcake — 2 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
This dessert-y flavor failed due to one simple fault–it was just too sweet. After eating just one bite I felt the need to visit my dentist. Other judges mentioned that it was reminiscent of “body lotion” and “cake batter that I never ever want to eat again.”
16. Wild Cherry — 2.4 Points
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted (?)
There is a question mark after our toasty-ness preference because the truth is, we didn’t want this either way. This tart tasted (and smelled) like all of your worst childhood memories of drinking cherry cough syrup and looked like a Strawberry Shortcake doll threw up glitter.
15. Wildberry — 3.4 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
This flavor served as the supermodel of the Pop-Tarts brand, starring in almost all of its commercials. Unfortunately, the blue and purple frosting that was once ostracized by my parents’ grocery shopping rules contained supremely subpar flavor. It wasn’t bad as much as… bland. Also, it sort of tasted like Crest Kids’ Toothpaste. So there’s that.
14. Blueberry — 4.6 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
Three words: Tastes. Like. Trix. Do what you will with this information.
13. Strawberry — 4.8 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Split vote
This classic flavor was also a bit bland. The good news is that it wasn’t too sweet, but the bad news? “It was a little disappointing,” said one judge. It seems that this childhood staple has relied on nostalgia to keep it going. As one judge put it, it was “a melted fruit-rollup inside edible cardboard.”
12. Cherry — 5.2 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
Cherry surprised us by surpassing its usually nauseatingly artificial taste to become one of the top-scoring fruit flavors. Toasted, the Pop-Tart tasted like it had real jam inside, striking a balance between not-too-sweet like the blueberry and not-too-bland like the strawberry variety. However, there was quite a difference between the toasted and untested versions. Toasted, it tasted like a “hot slushy in a good way.” Un-toasted, the flavor was reduced to a “knock-off fruit snack.”
11. Raspberry — 5.5 Points
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
The best fruit flavor. This is what you want strawberry to be. It isn’t super recognizable as raspberry, but it is flavorful and tastes like real fruit. Plus the frosting is delicious.
10. Hot Fudge Sundae — 5.6 Points
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
Un-toasted, this flavor is nothing special. It would be too sweet, but the chocolate-graham crust flavor saves it. When toasted, the filling tastes like marshmallow. So even though it doesn’t taste like a hot fudge sundae, it is completely satisfactory as a late-night snack.
9. Chocolate Fudge — 5.8 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
Chocolate Fudge was the first flavor to truly divide the judges. The opinions fell into two camps: the “this isn’t chocolate, it’s glorified dirt” camp, and the “this tastes like the brownie batter from Ben and Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream” camp. However, we did agree on a couple things. 1) The crust, which is the same variety as in the Hot Fudge Sundae, is good toasted. 2) The frosting got crunchy when toasted in a very attractive way. 3) We would rather eat actual fudge.
8. Red Velvet Cake — 6.2 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Un-toasted
The rare breed of toaster pastry that tastes better when you ignore the implicit cooking instructions on the label arrives in the form of the red velvet Pop-Tart. It’s crust was admittedly accurate in red velvet flavor and the icing tasted like cake frosting, but the comestible was a little disappointing in a difficult-to-describe manner. It was best put by one judge who said, “it is what I want from a red velvet cupcake, but not what I want from a Pop-Tart.”
7. Peanut Butter and Jelly — 6.2 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
Actually tastes like a PB&J, but just a tad too sweet. We will only say this once, and for any other Pop-Tart flavor listening, PLEASE DISREGARD, but this might have actually been better without frosting.
6. Chocolate Chip — 7.0 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
The graham cracker crust is really delicious. This flavor gets a lot of undue flack because of its lack of frosting, but the simplicity of the flavor makes it one of the only chocolate-based flavors that could be eaten as breakfast (think chocolate-chip pancakes… yum).
5. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough — 7.1 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Un-toasted
This variety has the same yummy graham cracker crust as its predecessor (the simple chocolate chip), but also boasts an especially full middle, thickly spread with a convincingly doughy interior.
4. Brown Sugar Cinnamon — 7.2 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
“Cinnamon buns,” “childhood dreams and happiness,” “maple syrup oatmeal crispy crunchy goodness.” Call it what you want; Brown Sugar Cinnamon is a crowd favorite sure to please at any time of day. Pair the sweet, warm, pastry with a glass of milk and get ready to take a delicious cat nap surrounded by swirls of bakery-fresh cinnamon aroma.
3. Chocolate Peanut Butter — 7.4 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
We have mixed feelings about a non-classic like this “Gone Nutty!” flavor ranking so high on the list, but this flavor is a serious winner. Toasted or un-toasted, the variety boasts a delicious chocolate crust, rich chocolate frosting and a creme filling that has the texture of caramel but the taste of peanut butter. The creme filling oozes out of the middle with a gloriously gooey flourish that puts Reese’s to shame.
2. S’mores — 7.4 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
This black and white and graham-all-over variety will never go out of style. Tastes like warm hugs and, well, s’mores.
1. Cookies ‘n’ Creme — 7.8 Points
photo by Sarah Strong
Toasted or un-toasted: Toasted
Oreo creme filling. Dark chocolate crust. Jus the right amount of frosting. This flavor covered all its bases, hit all the high notes and reached every other metaphorical achievement.
Conclusions
photo by Sarah Strong
The Spoon Yale team and I learned a lot through this experience, not only about Pop-Tarts, but about ourselves. We learned that Pop-Tarts are better when they move away from super-artificial tasting flavors and towards more interesting crust varieties. We learned that while some Pop-Tarts are definitely delicious, trying seventeen flavors in one sitting is really not a great life choice. We also learned that our parents were probably correct in not allowing us to eat red velvet cake for breakfast, and that we honestly aren’t too upset about Pop-Tarts not being part of our daily existence.
Looking for more definitive rankings?
We know you love the comfort of someone else telling you what is certain in this crazy, mixed-up world. Here more rankings to chew on: