Welcome to fall! It’s officially time for warm sweaters, pumpkin spice lattes, and opinions that have no logical evidence behind them whatsoever. Today’s topic: apples, the most boring and average fruit.
Ah yes, my favorite autumn activity, paying a bajillion dollars to trudge through mud and vines at an apple orchard, picking so many apples that it’s impossible to eat them all before they spoil. But if you’re going to be wasting time, money, and food anyway, you might as well choose some decent quality apples. Because if your favorite fruit is an apple, genuinely you’ve got to be lying.
What makes me qualified to talk about apples, you may ask? Great question. I’ve never grown an apple, I can’t bake, and I have done no research on this topic. But I am an excellent judge of character. And yes, apples do have a character.
As an avid apple-eater, I’ve tried my fair share of apple varieties. Some were outstanding. Others were abysmal. Even though apples are overall a D-tier fruit, my thoughts on them are S-tier. Get ready for a ranking based entirely on vibes, personal experience, and completely unsupported opinions. Five years of studying the importance of objectivity and fact-checking in journalism has led me to this moment right here.
Now presenting, the definitive ranking of apples, best to worst, as decided by yours truly. And no, you cannot argue with me.
1. Honeycrisp
HOLY YUM. Perfectly crispy, with an ideal balance of sweet and tart. Juicy, crunchy, tasty, flavorful, talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular. Also the most aesthetic apple out there. Such vibrant colors and perfect shape. And it’s the most appropriately named apple. They were cooking over at the orchard when they came up with that name.
2. Golden Delicious
Hot take: this is one of the best apples out there. It’s probably my personal favorite, too. Golden Delicious is like the gentle giant of apples. It’s sweet and mild. Nothing too crazy flavor-wise, but it hits every time. It’s basic, but it’s comforting. Stop sleeping on my girl Golden Delicious!
3. Gala
This is the kind of apple I picture growing off a tree in the apple orchard. It just screams fall. It is super sweet and juicy, but lacks complex flavors. Overall, wholly inoffensive apple. I’m not jumping for joy when I see a gala apple, but I’m not upset either. A B- apple.
4. Fuji
The most mid apple on the market. This is what you think of when I say “apple.” Usually sweet and crispy-ish, but sometimes it’s giving McDonald’s Happy Meal apples with that mushy, chemically feeling. Fuji gives you the ultimate hit-or-miss experience, but hey, at least they’re pretty cheap.
5. Granny Smith
I mean, it’s not baaaaaad. Granny Smith apples are super, super sour, which I don’t hate, but some people definitely do. The skin is always really tough. Something about “nutrients” or having more fiber or something. I don’t know. I did no research, remember? Also, who decided to name it “Granny Smith?” Is this the grandma apple or what? Who is Smith? Why couldn’t we just keep it thematic and go with green delicious?
6. Red Delicious
Ewwwww. I’ve never had a Red Delicious apple that wasn’t mealy and gross. No crisp, no flavor, no effort, and she is lowkey ugly too. Because why is it so tall? This is an F-tier apple. I better not see you pulling up to Thanksgiving with a Red Delicious apple pie, or, in the words of @shaiie_foeva, it’s the Judas Cradle for you and your lawyer’s Uber driver. NEXT.