So Armageddon is on the horizon, my friends…. (for FSU football that is) and we must be prepared for the end. The annual and upcoming battle between our Noles and the Gators will determine the social and athletic status of our college for the rest of the year. And if you are anything like me, you’ll want to be the popular jock at the top of the food chain. Am I right or am I right? So let’s get down to business.
Every game we as fans have the opportunity to partake in the war by tailgating. Yes, we can financially, emotionally, and spiritually invest ourselves in our warriors and encourage them to ravage the enemy without mercy (‘cause that’s how war works ya know…) while simultaneously stuffing our faces and unabashedly swearing on our graves for Gator death. Because we are so essential for Seminole victory, it is crucial – I’m talking life and death people – to do our part perfectly. We must deliver, because we cannot deny our duty to our army of Noles. If not, we are cowards responsible for the catastrophic downfall of Tallahassee dignity and Seminole pride. So let’s get to tailgating.
1. Pregame like a winner
Nothing says “confidence” like a pre-celebration of an unguaranteed victory. We trust our Noles to pull off the win despite Gator vengeance and their dirty plays. So start out swinging and pre-game like you mean it! Although we’re in enemy territory, we know how to make an entrance and leave after we’ve wrestled those gators to the ground.
2. Talk smack with your friends
Since team rivals like to fan the flame, what better way to incite the tension than to bad-mouth the Gators and their horrible choice of team colors? And what is that “chomp” thing anyway? Tomahawks beat big-mouthed reptiles any day. So let’s up our game, Noles. Bring out the simmering insults and Gator slurs that have been bubbling under the surface of your tongues all year in anticipation of their upcoming demise. In this case, we Seminoles are guilty of animal slaughter in the first degree.
3. Chop every chance you get
Us Noles have a lot of spirit. And I mean a lot. Much more than the Gators and their non-chopping attempts to encourage their players to not stumble down the field. If they decide not to fumble the victory right into our hands, maybe they’ll just decide to walk away and only experience half the shame.
4. Remember the traditions
From the “florida state first down” to our “fourth quarter fingers”, these moments are crucial to our inevitable triumph. When we inspire our team with cheering, stomping, and loud, ego-boosting exclamations, we not only distract the other team but we push our Noles to work that much harder to kick some grade-A Gator booty. #championshippotential. So let’s pour every drink and eat every burger like it’s got “Unconquered” written all over it. ‘Cause it does.
5. Shotgun beers at every touchdown
‘Cause we’ve got to show Gainesville who’s boss. We are the kings of drinking games. Although we’re not in Tallahassee, we can still party like we are. The only reason Gator country will be poppin’ that weekend is ‘cause we’ll be there. We’ll be bringing the booze and also providing a running back who can carry the ball to the end zone better than anybody. *cough cough* Dalvin Cook. #Heismanworthy
6. Don’t burn the burgers
I know you’re invested in the game and pissed off due to the bad calls made by the refs, but don’t get so distracted by the gameplay that you burn the food. All the friends and family you invited to partake in your tailgate will probably all be drunk by this point and very hungry. Which means you now have wasted and very angry football-fanatic partygoers begging you for food. So keep the drinks flowing and the meat ready-to-go. We’re pretty civil, but we’ve got Tallahassee fire and whiskey in our blood.
7. Chug to deal with the stress of the 3rd quarter
Sometimes, things don’t always turn out how you planned. Things get tough, and well, football games can get pretty heated. But don’t worry, DeMarcus Walker knows how to sack ‘em and score us another victory. But just ‘cause you need to calm yo’self, chug a few more drinks so you’re able to handle the load. Skip the soothing Chamomile tea, alcohol is way better. Trust me.
8. Celebrate the 4th quarter comeback with the hard stuff
After almost two and a half hours of cursing and screaming, you deserve a treat. Bring out the big guns, ‘cause the minor-league, crappy beer you’ve been downing previously just won’t make the cut. In this case, Jack Daniels will do just fine. The Noles are on a roll and every last bit of whiskey you’ve got in that bottle will determine the amount of verbal abuse you throw at the screen while the Gators nosedive into the swamps of shame and failure where they belong.
9. Take a shot at the last kick
…‘cause that one field goal could determine the win and influence your emotional mindset for the rest of the weekend. If we lose, we’ll have fire-breathing Gators on our hands and too many Seminoles sharpening their spears, so let’s just be prepared for the hit (God-forbid it comes) and just enjoy the Fireball burning down our throats. But here’s the kicker my friends: we’ve got Roberto Aguayo. So I think we’ll be fine.
10. Go out and celebrate (despite the outcome)
Although losing is disheartening and can lead to a slow, agonizing death, we’ve got to puff out our chests and beat them with pride ‘cause we’re Noles no matter what. (And champions forever). No one can take that away from us and you can check our trophy shelf in case you forgot. Or just roll the 2013 Rose Bowl over and over and over again. Oh, and just for clarification, you don’t have to worry about losing anyway, we’re gonna gut those gators. GO NOLES!