As a child I deeply resonated with a certain scene in the first Harry Potter movie. It’s the one where the trolley comes through the Hogwarts Express busting at the seams with magical candy essentially blowing my mind. Harry “Big Pimpin” Potter just came into a small fortune, so he decides to very casually order one of everything–“I’ll take the lot.”
What a power move. Realistically, how many times have we all wanted to “take the lot,” or perhaps just the entire left side of the menu? Well, I decided that on Thursday, February 19th in the year 2016, myself and my partner in masochism, Gilly Dukoff, would begin a culinary journey through Harrisonburg, Virginia where we “take the lot” at various locales.
We rolled up to the scene with our ceiling missing. Aggressively early, but we’ve both been fasting all day which was probably the worst idea because my body is about to be blindsided by beef.
Our sliders arrive. Initially, things seem pretty manageable. We’re up against eight angelic looking mini burgers, fries, and a potpourri of scents. I feel like Sir Mix-A-Lot if he had gotten too many buns, hun.
We dove into the fried chicken slider first (yas) and I made moves to pull the pickle out real fast. It was spicy, a bigger kick in the palate than I would have imagined. However, I crumble at the wake of a teaspoon of sriracha, so take my words with a grain of salt.
Next was the barbecue chicken slider. The sauce was surprisingly sweet and the bacon was a welcome addition to the party. Overall we had a high quality breast placed between a satisfactory meat to bun ratio. The only issue is how fast we housed these sandwiches, I’m talking 6 minutes flat.
The second round (third burger) started off simple. The traditional 50/50 slider had Bj’s sauce spilling everywhere and at this point we were starting to sweat. To exacerbate this saucy situation, we decided to hork down the Buckaroo burger next, which packs a deceptively large concentration of sautéed onions.
Gilly began to split off into some steamy love affair with this BBQ burger, entering into a honeymoon stage with the melted cheddar cheese.
Separating the boys from the men, the next two sliders up to bat were the Pulled Pork and the Crab Cake. What is this combination, cattle meets surf and turf? Honestly at this point there is a serious storm brewing in my gut and the thought of seafood coming into play has me feeling like Jabba the Hutt clambering on to the Titanic.
Crabby to say the least, but the slider overall had some good spices. The pulled pork on the other hand needed sauce like we needed morale.
Ah yes, the holy grail, the Greg Brady awaits us on our fullest and final plate. Paired with the wagyu beef burger, our spirits are restored. Gilly, who was kind of wimping out I’ll be honest, found love in a a wagyu place delivering her to salvation.
I entered a fugue state after I ate mustard by accident and at this point I was experiencing straight meat sweats. We need a shower and an exorcism. I picked up a handful of lettuce that fell off a burger… salad?
The deed is done. Gilly actually just stopped talking, I mean she got pale. I knew she was fine when she picked up singing “Pretty Young Thing.” The song that’s been playing in the background the last (two minutes, two hours)? The question on our minds now is, could we still eat a donut?