How many times have you gone up to order at your campus coffee house and thought, “Will that dude behind me think I’m crazy if I order a double-shot frozen dirty chai with almond milk and a shot of vanilla?” Or maybe you’re that kid who always gets black coffee, no room for milk so that everyone knows how intense you are.
No matter what complicated frilly drink you’re too scared to order, you know that your order sends a message about you to the barista and everybody behind you in line.
If you’re like me, you really want to know what that message is, so here is the fool-proof, absolutely impartial, 100% correct rundown of what your barista hears when you order your coffee. You’re welcome.
Cappuccino – I’ve been to Europe
I studied abroad in Italy. Your pedestrian lattes cannot please me. Also, the espresso is a little weak. It’s not the barista’s fault, it’s just that the espresso in America is nowhere near as good as when I was abroad.
Chai, Dirty Chai, Chai Hot Chocolate – Gimme dessert in a cup
I’m comfortable with consuming a full day’s worth of sugar in one beverage. I know that chick behind me that ordered a large black coffee with no room is secretly jealous of the taste explosion that’s coming my way.
Frozen Anything – I don’t actually drink coffee
I’m about to get a caffeine milkshake AND I don’t have to be the barista that washes out the blender before making a caffeine milkshake for the next guy. Perfect plan.
Just coffee. Black. No room. – Respect my coffee dominance
Man, that chai hot chocolate smells amazing. Whatever, I look like a bada$$ and I won’t have to spend an extra hour on the elliptical.
Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL) – Basic and proud
I enjoy the indulgences of autumn and I don’t care if that makes me basic. These pumpkin spices are like magic fairies dancing on my taste buds and I have shamelessly given in to the trend.
Magnum/Red Eye – I forget what my bed looks like
Help. Seriously, help me. This thesis and I are going head to head and I’m beginning to seriously doubt my odds of beating it. Wish me luck.
Tea – Sorry if I cough on you
I have a sore throat at a time when the dining halls are closed. Be careful not to accidentally touch my hand when I pay for this. I might be contagious.
So next time you get in line to order that latte but really want a dirty chai, just go for it. Your coffee order doesn’t define you. Treat yo’ self. Follow your heart.
Peace, love, and pumpkin spice.