It’s been ten long, torturous months since the 5th season finale of Game of Thrones. That’s two months shy of a whole year devoid of Jaime Lannister’s Midas Touch, Petyr Baelish’s general orchestration of chaos and destruction, and Daenerys Targaryen’s fabulous going-out tops and progression in dragon motherhood.
With the April 24th premiere rapidly approaching, it’s time to start gearing up to watch various characters battle and manipulate and have sex over who should rule Westeros. You’ve got your outfit picked out, your novelty GoT mugs polished to perfection, and your group of friends assembled to gather at your house before 9PM ET. Now, it’s time to address the most important question: what are you going to munch on?
Pizza, schmizza. This year, you mean business. An HBO series of this epic proportion deserves more than just Domino’s or Orville Redenbacher. Here are the foods you should eat based on what house you’ve been rooting for these past five seasons.
If you’re a House Stark ally, you’ve probably been a diehard fan since season one. As if Ned’s execution wasn’t devastating enough, you’ve had to watch Catelyn Stark, Robb Stark, and little-blip-in-Talisa’s-belly Stark get thrown to the direwolves. With Jon Snow’s supposed death still fresh in your mind, it can be easy to forget that Arya, Sansa, Bran, and Rickon are still all floating around with their own storylines.
Since you’re pretty much perpetually in mourning, you might want to encourage your friends to bring classic funeral foods for a potluck, like Jell-o or hard-boiled eggs or some type of sad casserole. If you’re feeling uncharacteristically optimistic, you can go sweet and simple with this recipe for lemon bars, a nod to Sansa’s favorite dessert, lemon cake.
Or you can get a little more complicated and try these direwolf scones, a replica of the bread Hot Pie gives to Arya before splitting up. Those leftover tears from Jon Snow being stabbed should keep you plenty hydrated.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. So, you might not be over that hand being chopped off. Or that gnarly poisoning scene. Or that crossbow to the heart. Or that nude walk of shame. But somehow, you find yourself still rooting those beautiful, blonde, inbreeding fools.
Based on the Lannister’s track record (and various spoilers), it looks like something nasty is going to happen to another character before the end of the episode. Might be better to stick to wine. Lots and lots of red wine.
If you’re serving many people, you might want to stick to a classic (and classy!) box of red wine like Franzia. Bonus: this opens up possibilities for Game of Thrones drinking games. When you start to feel woozy and all that incest isn’t looking half bad, it could be time to switch to solid food. Try these red wine chocolate cupcakes instead and you won’t have to compromise your inner alcoholic.
Every time I see Ramsay on screen, I feel a little queasy. He’s grown a lot these past few seasons, maturing from the Bastard of Bolton and Theon Greyjoy’s best friend to Sansa Stark’s kind and loving husband as well as the newly legitimized heir to Winterfell and the North. If you’re a House Bolton supporter, you’re probably also a fan of kicking puppies down the stairs and some light, everyday torture.
For those of you with a stronger stomach and a heart made of ice, I suggest you throw a couple of hot dogs on the grill and serve up some sangria made from the blood of your enemies.
Let’s be real. If you’re an open supporter of House Tyrell, it’s because A) you’ve got the hots for Margaery, B) you’ve got the hots for Loras, or C) you’ve got the hots for Olenna.
You’re also probably not too thrilled about this whole rotting-in-a-dungeon-while-awaiting-trial plotline going on. Turns out life isn’t all plunging necklines and horse riding at Highgarden, eh?
You can go two routes. Repent, beg forgiveness from the High Sparrow, and serve some communion crackers and grape juice. Or embrace your inner hedonist, pull out that low-cut top, and bring on the sexy snacks. I’m talking green M&Ms, oysters, truffles, the works. Loosen up, keep the wine flowing, and who knows what could happen.
Unbowed, unbent, unbroken. That is, of course, before Prince Oberyn’s gruesome death and a botched rescue attempt by Jaime. Since House Martell didn’t make a physical appearance until season four, you must be a new ally.
Dorne is located in a desert climate located thousands of miles away from King’s Landing and is known for its hot and spicy dishes and sour red wine. Its exotic location opens up possibilities for spicier foods. Instead of the classic chips and salsa route, why not go spicier with kebabs or a paella? Don’t forget that little vial of poison to wet your lips with before you kiss your friends goodbye.
Hard to believe that Reek was once Theon Greyjoy, heir to the Iron Islands and brief ruler of Winterfell. But in season six, it’s time for Theon to gain some redemption and take back his name, literally and figuratively. If you’re still aligned with House Greyjoy after all these seasons, you deserve a big pat on the back.
Since the Greyjoy’s sigil is a golden Kraken, why not go literal? Nothing like a little Kraken Rum and calamari to snack on before the episode begins. You can also go fancier with some candy sushi.
Remember season one, when Jon Snow was just a wee boy with a cute albino puppy? Gosh. Things sure were simpler back then, before all this crazy Wildling war, undead army, you-know-nothing-Jon-Snow bullshit.
But you just can’t help but root for Samwell, Gilly, baby Sam, and even the Wildlings. The Night’s Watch are basically a bunch of good guys with a few bad eggs that spoil the whole thing. But they’re trying the best they can with the unfortunate circumstances they’ve been given. Give them a break already! We’re looking at you, George R. R. Martin.
Mulled wine is a favorite amongst the Watch during those long, freezing nights at the Wall. It would also be appropriate to serve roast chicken, pigeon pie, or some type of heavy stew. You want foods that will sit in your stomach and keep you warm for the long, scary winter ahead. Or at least something that will sustain you while you’re waiting for the next episode.
Who has time to eat when you’re gathering an army of the undead to take over Westeros? If you’re a fan of the White Walkers, I suggest you check your eyes for any strange, light blue coloring. Also, stay away from obsidian. You’ll thank me later.