The holidays. A time of warmth, a time of cheer and, apparently, a time for every family member on the planet to ask prying questions and throw shade at their loved ones. You could just stay at school and steer clear of these anxiety-provoking interactions, but then you’d miss out on mom’s amazing triple-layer cake. Instead of avoiding the inevitable, face it head on – with a drink in your hand. Here are the pairings we suggest for when your extended family comes a-knocking.
“Just yesterday you were up to my knee” – Gin & Tonic
How dare your uncle point out your very tenuous grasp on adulthood? You are a very mature adult. See? You’re even drinking this clear glass of what seems to be lighter fluid while pretending to know what you’re saying about the economy. Look out, adult coming through.
“Are you getting enough sleep?” – Four Loko
“Yes, grandma,” you say, “I go to bed at nine o’ clock sharp every evening in order to be refreshed and alert for my 8 am organic chemistry lecture. My incredible time management skills allow me to do so. What’s that? Oh, my shaking hands are just a result of the excessive amounts of
caffeine energy coursing through my veins right now.”
“Oh honey, you’ve gained weight” – Skinny Girl Margarita
Coat the rim of your margarita glass in something as salty as your Aunt Marge and you’ll forget all about her ridiculous weight comment. Although you might want to make it a low-calorie margarita… Just in case she has a point.
“So, how’s the internship search going?” – Whiskey
Wow, your grandpa just handed you a loaded question. Assuming you’ve actually found the time to create a legitimate resumé and apply, hearing back from companies is a total waiting game. While you try to think up an answer that will make your grandma proud, knock back some whiskey on the rocks. By the time you get answers about your applications, you’ll be as old as the whiskey is. And your grandma.
“Anyone special in your life lately?” – Sex on the Beach
Is this question inappropriate? Yes. Is it an invasion of privacy and overall just obnoxious? Yes. You don’t have to share the details of your love life with your extended family, so drink up. Also, drink thirstily, because this is probably the only sex you’re getting over the holidays.
“My friend has a son/daughter your age who is just wonderful…” – Wine
Didn’t you just make it clear you don’t want to talk about your (nonexistent) love life? You don’t need your second cousin playing matchmaker, especially when she thinks your type is “that cutie from the Game of Chairs”. Oh well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Grab a gigantic glass of wine and start gossiping. Maybe then you can let your cousin know that your type is more “How to Get Away With Murder.”
“Have you decided on a major yet?” – Long Island Iced Tea
Just like an honest response to this question, a Long Island Iced Tea isn’t really sure about what it wants to be, so it’s taking a little of everything and seeing what sticks. And just like a Long Island Iced Tea tastes like a confusing mix of vodka, gin, tequila, and god knows what else, you will confuse your relatives with a mix of mumbling and nervous laughter.
“When can we come visit?” – Daquiri
Aww, a guilt trip, how nice. You were bound to have a vacation anyway to get away from the cold. Is this guilt trip all inclusive? Guess you’ll find out after all of these daquiris. Ah, gotta love the tropics.
“See you next break!” – (Several) Tequila Shots
They’re finally gone. Time for you to let loose and immediately forget everything that was said to you. Happy holidays!