There comes a time in every college students life when you encounter a drunk person who wants food. Sometimes you are the drunk person. Sometimes you are babysitting the drunk person. Anyhow, last Saturday night I found myself in a Cookout drive-in with three drunk people (and no, Mom, the driver was not drunk).
Milkshakes are extremely important to me. Early this year, I asked an upperclassman where the best place to get a milkshake was. She said Cookout, which she described as a “low-rent place for backyard barbecue food.” Cookout is a restaurant with a drive-thru that serves food like burgers, hot dogs, and chicken things (I have tunnel vision and rarely pay attention to anything beyond their 40 flavors of milkshakes).
As a certified grandma who dislikes being out of bed much past midnight, this was a new experience for me. So, to the rest of you grandmas who haven’t been to the Cookout drive-thru past 2 am, here’s what you’re missing.
1. It’s hard to find sober drivers after midnight
There are only two types of sober people at 2 am: introverted sober people and sleeping sober people. Finding a sober student wandering the hallways with a driver’s licence and a will to ferry drunk people is difficult. Pro-tip: offer to pay for their food.
2. Put the drunkest people in the back
As the sober shotgun passenger, I was grateful to be able to avoid being smashed between the sweaty, loud, bickering drunk people in the back. Also, putting the soberest people in the front makes it easier and faster to coordinate the drive-in order.
3. Radio is not on fleek at 2 am
There are few stations even playing music, and those that do do not satisfy the rowdy drunks. Soft jazz is not an acceptable replacement for Kanye West.
4. Cookout food is cheap as f**&#!
We purchased a lot of food. It did not cost a lot of money. On a side note, it is ridiculously easy to get your intoxicated friends to pay for the entire order. The guilt was worth the free milkshake.
5. Window locks are lifesavers
The backseat passengers really want to order for the group. They will try to open windows and doors in order to be able to speak to the drive-thru attendant. Do not let them. Prevent them from escaping the car; lock the windows and mind the doors.
6. Drunk people suck at opening straws
While having to rip open straw paper for impaired people may feel silly in the moment, you will have something to remind them of when they get too cocky. Use this power wisely.
7. Taking food from a drunk person is very easy
One could say it is like stealing candy from a baby. When drunk, it is hard to focus on one thing. You don’t notice if someone swipes a hush puppy or finishes half of the milkshake they left for dead.
8. Eating food at 2 am means you aren’t hungry for breakfast
As someone who is normally roused by 9 am by a rumbling tummy, I was shocked when I slept until noon and woke up to a stomach that wasn’t digesting its lining. It was amazing, plus I got to skip straight to brunch.
If someone offers you a ride to Cookout, do not decline. The sheer amount of free food (or at least very cheap food, if you have a conscience and pay for your own order) that one can consume is fabulous. Sometimes the best things in life really are free.