Spoiler alert: I couldn’t do it. A couple of months ago I stumbled upon an article that highlighted the diet of the physically perfect power couple Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

I figured Gisele was a vegan and Tom ate as many carbs as any other professional athlete does, but I was completely wrong. The couple’s diet consists of 80 precent vegetables, which absolutely baffled me since I pat myself on the back when I choose sweet potato fries over regular fries.

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Basically, Tom and Gisele eat organic vegetables (but not tomatoes because they’re allegedly inflammatory), whole grains, and lean meats. They avoid sugar, flour, and all sources of caffeine. Plus, they have a personal chef who makes their meals and they don’t have cheat days. Can somebody say #goals?

I’m really into fad diets. I love the challenge of limiting myself for a few weeks and then returning to my typical eating habits. I’ve been vegan for a week, vegetarian for two weeks, and paleo for a couple weeks as well, so of course I wanted to try this out. I thought it would be perfect to eat like someone who gets paid to be in bathing suits right before bikini season, so I started the diet.

Day One: High morale, optimistic thoughts

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The first day was challenging, but no more challenging than the first day of any other diet I had tried. My biggest struggle was breakfast. I literally had no idea what to eat. I knew Tom didn’t eat fruit, but I wasn’t sure whether or not Giselle did, and I had no idea if eggs were even allowed on this diet.

So I struggled hard and settled for a banana, because sometimes Tom eats them in his fruit smoothies. The rest of the day was fairly easy, and I went for a salad and some chicken at dinner, figuring this is what I would be eating for the rest of the week.

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Photo by Tori Weber

Twenty-four hours after the start of this diet, I could hear my stomach rumbling from just looking at the bags of chips lining my dining hall. For some reason, this diet was hitting me hard. I felt so limited, partially because I could probably eat only 20 percent of the things my school had to offer, but mainly because the few items I was actually allowed to eat were not really BC dining’s “chef d’oeuvres.”

Day Two: The peak of unhappiness

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The second day I woke up yet again unsure of what to eat for breakfast. So, I skipped breakfast and settled for coffee. By the way, not only is this extremely unhealthy but Tom and Gisele don’t have caffeine. Call that a cheat meal I guess?

I usually eat salads for lunch, but for some reason on this bleak day two, my normal lunch routine was nauseating. I managed to keep myself busy for the rest of the day so that by dinner I could unhappily eat dry chicken and some sort of greens mixture that the BC dining halls see fit as our nightly dose of vegetables.

Day Three: The end is near

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I woke up the third day of my diet knowing in my soul that I could not continue. As I trudged to the dining hall, I couldn’t think of my breakfast banana without wanting to vom. So instead, I made a beeline to the breakfast line and devoured two helpings of home fries. Boom. Diet over.

So, here’s what I learned:

I am not a supermodel and I am not a professional athlete. I don’t have a personal chef. I am a college student. Okay, so yeah I knew all of those things going into this experiment. But those facts all taught me that it was ridiculous of me to expect myself to be able to complete this diet.

Gisele Bundchen doesn’t have to stay up all night studying for econ midterms. So she probably doesn’t need to drink caffeine. But I do. It is her job to look good. Likewise, Tom works out for A LIVING. I use cardio machines a few times a week (if I’m feeling motivated). I should never have expected myself to be able to stick to this diet, just like I shouldn’t hold myself to the same standards as a supermodel and an NFL quarterback.

Personally, I think they’re crazy. This diet made me miserable. Food is one of the best parts of my day, but I guess if you’re a supermodel/married to a supermodel/an NFL quarterback/married to an NFL quarterback you have better things to look forward to. As a proud Patriots fan I want to thank Tom Brady for taking care of his precious body. You are the GOAT, Tom.

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My final words on this “week” in hell:

I love eating cheese. I love delicious, crusty bread. I love tomatoes. And as a 5’4 Non Athletic Regular Person (NARP), I have no future in either of their career paths. So this diet is not for me. And I love myself so I will continue to eat what I want. For a college student who has no idea what she’s doing with her life, my current dietary choices do the trick. Goodbye, Brady/Bundchen diet. You will most certainly not be missed.

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