Cinco de Mayo is first and foremost a day to celebrate Mexican independence. With the help of tequila shots and very strong margaritas, it’s also a day for Mexicans and non-Mexicans alike to free themselves from the weight of end-of-the-semester stresses.
Ok, it’s just another holiday that’s a really good excuse to get drunk.
Getting sufficiently drunk for Cinco de Drinko can be expensive on a college budget. So, we found the cheapest tequilas on the liquor store’s shelves and set out to find the best one to drink on a dime. We took shots of each with a variety of chasers, recorded it and ranked them from the best-worst to the worst-worst. Here’s our definitive ranking, just in time for your May 5th celebrations.
4. El Toro
Price: $10 for 750ml bottle*
Product Highlights: The only good thing about this is that it’s topped with a Barbie-sized sombrero that makes for a great pinky finger accessory. Don’t let the cute packaging fool you – this tequila is not as fun as its cap suggests. Highly recommend wearing trash bags (or at least having them on hand).
Recommended Chaser: Taco Bell’s Baja Blast Freeze
3. Pepe Lopez
Price: $13 for 750 ml bottle*
Product Highlights: Not for the faint of heart with its notes of acetone and rubbing alcohol. Strong enough to singe your digestive tract from the inside out.
Recommended Chasers: Dill pickles and Ortega Original Medium Taco Sauce
2. Jose Cuervo
Price: $18 for 750 ml bottle*
Product Highlights: Gets you drunk by just smelling it. Allegedly the best-selling tequila in the world, and also fun to drink to this song.
Recommended Chaser: The classic salt and lime. Or if you wanna be like ‘Yonce, no chaser needed.
Price: $5.49 on sale… we wonder why. Originally $11 for a 750 ml bottle*
Product Highlights: Least likely to induce your gag reflex, most likely to come in at #1 because of the decadent chasers we tried. See below.
Recommended Chasers: Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and/or Chicken Quesalupa. Thanks again, Taco Bell.
There you have it, hombres – the best-worst tequilas money can buy. Check back in 20 years when we can afford to try the best-best tequilas! Until then, we’ll be sipping Montezuma or treating our livers to $4 airplane bottles of the fancy stuff. Whatever you drink this Cinco de Mayo, ¡sálud!
* Author’s note: Prices according to Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control.