I’m not entirely sure at what point kale became a sort of “deity” among leafy foods, but I can tell you with the utmost certainty that it’s time for it to retire.
Over winter break, I made the “stride of pride” through my local Forever 21 and I kid you not, there was a green crop-top that had “KALE” written across it in bold, white letters.
Besides the obvious issues involving green crop-tops, the added bonus of this Tumblr inspired shout-out made me question how exactly society had gotten to this point. It also made me slightly nauseous.
Whether or not you actually like the taste of kale (you don’t), we all can agree that it is obnoxious. But, because it’s a “superfood,” we’ve let it off the hook. In defense of some other much less annoying yet just as healthy superfoods, here are 5 contenders that don’t make me consider a move to Canada:
1. Chia Seeds
When I first heard about Chia Seeds, all I could picture were the ceramic cats that I overwatered as a child in hopes to grow my own overpriced garden. Surprisingly enough, the Chia Seeds you eat and the mystery seeds inside Chia Pets are not the same thing. Weird.
Chia Seeds are small, brown seeds full of omega-3 fatty acids, calcium, and fiber and are especially great for people who don’t eat a lot of fish where omega-3 fatty acids are typically found. They’re also super versatile and can be turned in to a pudding by simply adding milk and flavoring of your choice, thrown in to water, tea, or any other beverage, or just sprinkled over top of a meal.
Their nuanced, nutty flavor is subtle enough that they go well with anything, but doesn’t mimic chalk or bird seed.
2. Goji Berries
Most commonly consumed by basic bitches and covered in chocolate, Goji berries are more than a good source of poor dental hygiene.
These red-orange berries contain vitamin C that’s on par to Orange Juice, but without all the added sugar and dreaded calories. In addition to not tasting like an overrated breakfast drink, Goji berries also have one of the highest protein concentrations of any fruit, so vegetarians can stop pretending they like tofu.
These berries have also been used medicinally in many Asian cultures, thought to aid in longevity and eye-sight. Though these claims have never been evaluated by the FDA, the Goji berry is perfect for hipsters who really want to blog about their explorations in “alternative medicine.”
I know what you’re thinking…blueberries? Really? Yes.
This childhood snack that your mom tried to combine with yogurt and pass off as “dessert” could actually be one of the reasons you didn’t get the flu one year and could also help lower your chances of getting cancer or cardiovascular diseases (you should probably call and thank your mom, like, now).
Full of antioxidants which work to neutralize free radicals linked to the development of cancer, heart problems and other age-related health complications, blueberries do much more than kale could ever dream of doing with an admirable, crop-top free aura of modesty about them.
In other words, my current life goals are to become the girl who turned into a blueberry in Willy Wonka’s & The Chocolate Factory.
While perusing the blessing that is Google for superfoods that Forever 21 hasn’t tried to profit off of, I stumbled upon a college girl’s three favorite words: “Helps weight loss.”
Endorsed by the one and only Dr. Oz , these little black beads of answered prayers contain more protein and antioxidants than any other soybean option, and seeing as there is at least one other type of soybean out there it’s obvious that these little guys are total 10’s.
As someone who is always looking for weight loss aids that don’t come in the form of an infomercial, an eating disorder, or plastic surgery, the black soybean definitely one ups kale. Containing very little carbs, this breed of soybean takes longer to digest, leaving you fuller for longer.
5. Red Wine
Last call and the best is saved for last.
I’ve heard from time to time that red wine is, in fact, a super food, but I’ve always been speculative, mainly because I’m pretty sure the politically correct thing is to teach people alcohol is the blood of Satan, not of Christ.
Luckily, I’m dead wrong (as usual). Red wine is made of the skin of grapes which contain the same cancer and heart-disease fighting antioxidants as blueberries, and they also contain chemicals that help inhibit the production of blood clots. In case you didn’t know, blood clots are bad. Drink wine, don’t die.
Looking for more excuses to eat these foods? Check out these related articles: