Let’s face it—no matter how violent and messy a food fight can be, we all dreamed of the day that an ordinary lunch period at school would quickly transform into an all out frenzy of flying food. That one brave soul would yell “FOOD FIGHT!” and then chuck whatever was in his hand towards the mass of students who then had no choice but to imitate the act.
Unfortunately, throughout our elementary school, intermediate school, and high school experience, most of us never lived to see such a day. No matter how many times a food fight was attempted, the plans usually failed by the lack of guts or the faculty’s prevention.
But what if you knew ahead of time that you would be an active participant in a war of food? I was seriously contemplating this during a long shower the other day, and I decided to prepare myself by making a list of the foods I would bring to a future food fight, depending on various objectives during the battle. When shit goes down, I’ll be ready.
Friendly Fight: Popcorn
For those who want to participate in an epic brawl, but don’t want to get hurt or clean up the mess, this is the food for you. Popcorn is light enough that it won’t cause any injury and will not result in any damage beyond just sweeping the floor (if you avoid buttery popcorns). It’ll make the fight fun, but honestly, it’s lame.
Messiest Option: Lasagna
This was a tough one, as there are so many options out there: meatloaf, tacos, cheesesteaks, BBQ pulled pork, etc. The reason why I chose lasagna is because of its many variations of messiness: sauce to splatter everywhere, meat to break out and get stuck in places, and finally the many cheeses with potential to stick to the target. Plus, lasagna is relatively easy to throw without leaving too much of a mess on the thrower.
Smelliest Option: Surströmming
Some research was done to come up with this one. Tuna or any other raw fish is definitely fit enough for the role, but what could be better? The answer: surströmming, a fermented herring that is a traditional food in Sweden. A just-opened can of this fish, according to a Japanese study, is the single worst smelling food.
The so-called “rotten fish in a can” even reached the highest level in the European Odor Unit of 6. Imagine having one of these slap you in the face during a food fight—disgusting. But now imagine the glory of being on the other side of that situation—great ammunition.
Best All-Around Option: Raw Eggs
Ahh…the classic raw egg. This little gem has great aerodynamics for accuracy, causes just a little physical pain, and results in a pretty sufficient mess. Also, there aren’t many things more degrading than being egged.
The tricky part is figuring out how to conceal a dozen eggs in and bring them into a battlefield with minimal to no breakage. If this can be achieved, the egg is the best all-around ammo to load up on for a food fight.
Most Inconvenient Option (for Targets): Chewed Gum
This is what you should bring when you want to bring annoyance and inconvenience to your enemies’ lives. Throw two or three pieces in your mouth, chew it up, and launch the gum with enough velocity to get it to really stick to your victim. Bonus points if you can land one of these in someone’s hair—that’ll make his or her day.
Best to Stain: Raspberries, Blackberries, and Blueberries
The objective here is to ruin clothes, or at least have the opposing force go through extreme measures to rid their clothes of the stains. A fruit medley of raspberries, blackberries, and blueberries will surely bring success.
Handfuls are easy to chuck and can splatter over a wide radius. To go above and beyond, cut the berries in half to ensure juice transfer onto clothing.
Most Damaging Option: Whole Onion
Have you ever picked up an apple to take a bite and then thought about how perfect the fruit would be to throw? This is what sparked my thought in the most damaging, most bruising, and most feared food to your arsenal.
It came down to few foods in mind—apples, avocados, potatoes, and onions. Apples are much less dense than the others, so it had to be ruled out. Avocados and potatoes aren’t perfectly round, so the aerodynamics are not ideal for velocity and accuracy.
But the onion—the solid, dense, baseball-sized sphere—can brutally harm an opponent when thrown with the right technique. Bonus: if you peel away its outer layers, the smell can add another dimension to the onion’s effectiveness.
When You Really Hate Someone: Peeled Limes Under the Sun
This is a little cynical, but it’s definitely worth mentioning if you are aware of someone on the opposing force that you really dislike. Using peeled limes can actually irritate your victim’s skin upon contact and give them an unfavorable reaction.
This strategy is only effective on a bright sunny day when the lime juice reacts with UV light. So take proper precautions, make sure the sun is out and about, and don’t tell anyone I gave you this idea.
Next time—if there ever is a time—that a food fight appears in your future schedule, load up on the most effective ammunition and dominate the battlefield. Be a food-fight hero.