Everyone loves Chipotle. Seriously, Chipotle is like… everything. So for the life of me, I can’t figure out why (oh why) some people in the world can’t just be nice and make life easier for the people that hold our collective burrito destiny in their very hands. So in the spirit of all that is HOLY GUACAMOLE, I implore you to stop doing these things that make Chipotle employees hate you.
I spoke with my best friend, who just so happens to work at Chipotle, as well as several ladies in my neighborhood, who also work for Chipotle, to gather the facts.
1. Do not ask for a side of diced tomatoes
Believe it or not people, the tomatoes are used for the salsa. Chipotle doesn’t have a tub of diced tomatoes waiting to be stuffed into a plastic ramekin for you because tomatoes that sit in a tub for hours aren’t fresh. Not fresh, not Chipotle. This means someone now has to stop what they’re doing and go dice tomatoes for you. Unless you’re Obama or Adele, don’t ask. Period!
2. Do not ask stupid questions like “How do you know you don’t have it in the back?”
So aside from the obvious answer they want to give you consisting of something to the effect of, “Because I goddamn live here, I know what we have!” there is also the very modus operandi of Chipotle to consider. I encourage you to think about what Chipotle stands for people: FRESH FOOD! If they kept an enormous amount of excess of food in the back, how fresh do you think it’s going to stay and for how long? Duh. They know what they have, and they know what they prepped. Don’t argue.
3. Don’t make stupid E. coli jokes
When you make an E. Coli joke at a Chipotle restaurant it’s usually because:
A) You think you have a joke the employee hasn’t already heard.
You don’t. They’ve all been used, so give up on your dreams as a comedian. You’re neither funny nor original.
B) You feel the need to make sure that they know to be EXTRA careful with your food as to not infect you with E. coli.
If you’re afraid of the food or the prep, why are you there? The situation was handled and we all know it and are gleefully back to waiting in lines that wrap around the block for our burrito goodness. You’re an adult. You should be able to figure this one out.
4. Stop filling your water cup with soda
Again, you aren’t original. This is an old trick that has been around since the inception of customer-operated soda fountains. Furthermore, you’re in plain site and probably on camera when you’re doing it. I think they’re on to you, Mata Hari.
5. Don’t be the one who doesn’t understand that blenders break
I know it’s hard for you to accept but sometimes “fecal matter hits the oscillating rotary propeller” (in other words: sh*t hits the fan) and there’s nothing the employees can do about it. In other words, they just may not have the precious vinaigrette your girlish figure requires today. Get over it and stop acting like a petulant 3-year-old. News flash: This is not the worst curve ball life is going to throw at you. I’m sure you’ll find a way to cope.
6. Don’t order over the phone
Ladies and Gentlemen of Earth, it is 2016. Just like millennials don’t understand why old people insist upon leaving voicemail when they could just text you, the employees at Chipotle don’t understand why you feel the need to pull them away from what they are doing so they can have a ten-minute conversation with you about your order. They have the internet (you can order online) and they have a fax machine. They know how to use them.
7. Don’t be the customer who comes in everyday and asks the same stupid questions every day
Customer: Are those black beans?
Employee Do they look black?
Customer: Um, yes.
Employee: Do they resemble the same black beans you ordered yesterday?
Customer: Um, yes.
Employee: Then, yes, I’d have to say after using my Sherlock Holmes-like powers of deduction, that these are indeed black beans.
I think you get the point.
8. Don’t be the person on your phone while in line, especially when it’s busy
Fellow citizens, I understand that you believe that your phone call is indeed the most important thing not only in your life, but indeed the world. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re on the phone with a high-ranking government official discussing a detailed plan on how to cure cancer or create world peace. However, if this isn’t the case, get off the damn phone and pay attention to what is going on in front of you.
9. Don’t be the customer that gets asked if they want chips and a drink only to say “No” and then later at the register, after you’ve been rung up, ask for chips and a drink anyway
You know you want the chips and drink. Of course you do. You always do, everybody always does. But if you are indeed one of the people concerned with your healthy lifestyle, consider that the burrito you have just ordered is roughly the size of your torso, ask yourself if the added calories of chips and a drink actually matter in the wake of the realization you have just made and commit to a decision and go with it. But do so BEFORE YOU GET TO THE CASHIER. This saves them time and energy so they can crack right along helping the other well-adjusted folks in line. Yes? Good. Moving on.
10. Don’t be the so-called regular who justifies a demanding attitude with frequent patronage
Customer: Can I have a side of diced tomatoes?
Employee: I’m sorry we don’t have any pre-diced tomatoes. What we did have has been used in the salsa.
Customer: But I come in here everyday!
Employee: I work in here everyday. We don’t have ’em. Should I call in a grief counselor?
11. Don’t be vague when specificity is obviously required
You wouldn’t walk into a Baskin-Robbins and say, “I’d like ice cream” and then blankly stare at the man/woman behind the counter as if they have a crystal ball and magically knew what flavor of ice cream you want, would you? Of course not. So why then would you shuffle down the food station, look at an employee standing in front of six troughs of obviously different meats and tell them that you want meat in your burrito and look at them? Who knows? But somehow it happens all the same. #UnsolvedMysteries
12. Don’t be the one to ask “Whaddaya mean guac is extra?”
For those of you who don’t regularly A) grocery shop for yourselves or B) have the need to pay attention to the pricing of the produce in said stores: Avocados aren’t cheap. You don’t typically find farmers or produce-based wholesalers ready and willing to hand them over for a happy dance and a sweet smile. Also, there is the freshness to consider. (There’s that “freshness” word again; does anybody else see a theme developing here?)
This particular condiment doesn’t stay fresh very long. It takes a lot of valuable fruit to make, and a minute or five to make it. Any establishment that has guacamole that is not only still green but is simultaneously palatable is going to charge extra for it. Deal with it.
13. Don’t be the customer that orders the kids’ meal during a rush with no kid in tow
Kids meals are something of a special order. There’s no way to gauge how many you’d have to have prepped and ready to go on any given day to be adequately prepared for the possible needs of any number of ravenous sub-counter-dwelling rugrats without an enormous amount of food and prep-time going to waste, and having dollars fly out the corporate window.
So you see, when a grown-ass person strolls up to the counter and assertively asks for a kids meal as if they indeed have a kid with them, the person behind the counter once again must throw a kink in an otherwise semi-oiled machine and stop what they are doing in order to make a kids meal for a child they assume is simply sub-counter height and thereby out of their vision. This in and of itself is an inconvenience. But then you have the gall to sit there in front of them and eat it. Tsk tsk.
14. Don’t be the customer who makes a redundant order
When a customer asks something like, “Can I have some cheese in my Quesarito?” the employee may say, “Yes,” but what he or she really wants to say is, “It’s a hybrid of a quesadilla and a burrito. It’s already filled with cheese!” So the next time you visit your friendly and inviting neighborhood Chipotle, please resist the urge to interrogate, annoy, torment, pester, plague, molest, worry, badger, harry, harass, heckle, persecute, irk, bully, rag, vex, disquiet, goad, beset, bother, tease, nettle, tantalize, or ruffle the employee in front of you.
Chipotleans everywhere thank you.