Right now, times are tougher than the expired bread you convinced yourself is ok to eat. There is nothing in this world that will test your soul and character as much as waiting for your direct deposit to come in when your bank account is a single digit. The second best thing that can come in the time of distraught is Chipotle texting you a free burrito coupon or a notification from Hooked.
My friends call me broke but, I prefer to be seen as financially experienced. See, I’m pretty familiar with money, so well that I seem to be using it more than I should be. Let me guide you through the broke experience.
Your body is trying to tell you something. You need some fuel because this whole ‘breathing and sleeping’ thing can be very taxing on the body. Who knew it would be so much work just existing? This is probably a good time to get a cheeseburger to replenish the soul (if you can afford it).
Then you find the sad truth that both your fridge and wallet are empty. As you stare into your barren fridge that only contains a random collection of condiments, you wonder if tears go well with a plate of Sriracha and ranch. After self-debating, you crawl into your bed to wallow in self-pity of how broke you are.
You get mad at yourself and start to regret all the times you paid extra for guac and realize all that late night McDonald’s wasn’t worth it. Believe it or not, there’s a scientific reason you get hangry.
Okay, you’re broke. But you can’t possibly be too broke to not have five dollars in coins, right?
Okay, looks like you really are out of money. The only thing you can afford right now is the McDonald’s dollar menu. Which sounds great right now, but your gas tank is as empty as your stomach.
You sadly think to yourself, “I guess this is how the universe wants me to go out, huh?”
You know it’s a true friendship when they tell you to not worry about the bill after you tell them you’re too broke to go out eating. Cherish these moments and friends – they’re worth keeping.
Oh, what a time to be alive. Food has never looked so sexy. Remember to pace yourself so the experience doesn’t go by too fast.
You know, the world isn’t such a cruel place. You start realizing how beautiful your friend who bought you food is, and you even think about making them a godparent for your firstborn child. Your tears are tears of joy.
The mixture of endorphin-releasing food and your new outlook on the kindness of humanity has you in a whole other realm of bliss.
11. Starve-pression: Part II
This when the delicious band-aid to your problem is painfully ripped off. Now, swallow your pride and ask your dad for money.