According to Giuliani, Clinton is more loyal to her donors than to her husband, a "founding member of ISIS," and—the claim that is getting him the most press—Trump is a "genius" who is better for this country than a woman.
And you know what, America? He just might be right. I mean, Giuliani is just so tapped into current issues. The Black Lives Matter protests? Just a way to unfairly target cops (did he mention that the NYPD is a non-majority white police department?). And what about that annoying rule about not cheating on your spouse? Good news! Adultery is okay because "everybody does it."
Clearly, Hillary needs to be closely following the advice of this moral compass, and as such, should take a step back from the campaign trail. She should try something a little more relaxing...Like cooking!
Here are seven sandwiches that I'm sure a good ol' New Yorker like Giuliani would love Secretary Clinton to deliver to him (once her pneumonia clears up anyway).
1. Submarine Sandwich
Hill should start with a sandwich as old as our pal Giuliani himself. The Oxford Dictionary credits the submarine sandwich as being invented in 1940 in Connecticut, and Giuliani was born in 1944.
When you think about it, a submarine sandwich is pretty much the embodiment of Rudy Giuliani: they're white (white bread at least), usually greasy, and full of all sorts of things that no one remembers asking for.
2. Pastrami SandwichA New York City staple, a pastrami sandwich should be next on the list. But like any great symbol, there will be some people who are more willing to rave about its successes than others. There are some who do it best, and there are some that who should just leave the sandwiches to the professionals. And though Giuliani had plenty of fans in the early 2000s in New York, there were just as many who wanted to fugheddaboutit.
3. Hot Dog
Another New York City staple, the hot dog should be next on the menu. And since Giuliani seems to have "certain matters" surrounding the Clintons and a specific White House intern on the brain, it's only fitting that Hillary would make a sandwich that's a bit more, well, suggestive.
4. Peanut Butter and Jelly
All of this name calling seems to be a little childish, no? A childhood favorite, this sandwich is perfectly suited to Giuliani's tastes at the moment. And as a bonus, it's perfect for little hands (looking at you, Trump).
5. Buffalo Chicken Sandwich
After the second presidential debate, Giuliani had more harsh criticisms for Clinton. According to the former mayor, the fact that the moderators interrupted Trump so much during the debate allowed for Secretary Clinton to talk to the point of confusing herself.
In the commemorative spirit of these comments, Clinton should make Giuliani a sandwich with flavors so intense that it'll interrupt everything he says for the next week. A buffalo chicken meal is the Martha Raddatz of sandwiches.
6. Cheeseburger Slider
Secretary Clinton would prove especially salty by making cheeseburger sliders for Giuliani. The treats are kind of like Giuliani and his comments: they're little, unsatisfying, and pale in comparison to the other power players on the restaurant menu. Sorry sliders, you just have to do better.
7. "Quintessential Grilled Cheese"
Okay, so technically, Hillary would have to borrow the recipe for this one or order it from New York City's Serendipity 3 restaurant. Grilled cheeses are great no matter where you get them, but why this particular grilled cheese?
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, this is the world's most expensive sandwich, costing a whopping $214. Consisting of rare cheeses, champagne-infused bread, and edible 24-karat gold flakes, this is the perfect sandwich to share with your buddies while celebrating the genius of avoiding your taxes for nearly 20 years.
So Mr. Giuliani, if you're listening, Hillary is taking orders. Just expect your sandwich with plenty of salt and a side of hot tea.