Season 5 of Game of Thrones was traumatic for all of us. We laughed, we cried, we cried some more, we drank, winter came and went… And here we are, just weeks before the much anticipated return of our favorite HBO drama. To prepare for the emotional rollercoaster, let’s take a look at some of the surviving characters and see which drinks match their complicated personalities.
Cersei Lannister – Red Wine
Are you surprised? The only thing this Lannister loves more than the blood of her enemies is a heaping goblet full of bitter red wine. And after last season’s painful walk of shame, she has more reason to drink than ever. Don’t worry Cersei, we’ll be enjoying something just as strong to make it through another series of unfortunate but inevitable deaths.
Daenerys Targaryen – Tequila
Oh, Dany. Things have really taken a turn for the Mother of Dragons, and she’s been acting a lot like your best friend when she takes one too many shots of tequila. She’s a total loose cannon, running around demanding the heads of her enemies and trying to ride dragons. Maybe mix in a water? Or don’t! Apparently tequila makes you live longer, and if you’re gonna survive this season you need all the help you can get.
Sansa Stark – Vanilla Coke
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it — Sansa Stark kind of sucks. I know she’s been through a lot, but the hissy fit that lasted for the entirety of Season 1 left a bad taste in my mouth. She’s a lot like Vanilla Coke in that way. No one really wants it, but sometimes it’s the only soda available at your neighbor’s weird pool party. You just have to power through.
Tyrion Lannister – Dark and Stormy
Everyone loves Tyrion. His biting sarcasm is just like the aftertaste of a Dark and Stormy. It kind of burns your tongue, but by the third glass you’re numb to it. And the ginger-beer-plus-rum seems classier than just ripping shots in the corner. A win-win!
Lady Melisandre – Literal Poison
If the Red Woman were a drink, you would definitely die after taking one sip. She’s, like, so evil, but you can’t help admiring how great she looks while ruining lives. You usually don’t know when you’re being poisoned (which I’ve obviously learned from personal experience), so it’s like a fun little surprise. If you’re having trouble finding literal poison, Aristocrat works too.
Margaery Tyrell – Pink Lemonade
Even her name sounds like a fruity drink. Margaery is a fan favorite, and her sweet disposition is a lot like a sugary lemonade. But there’s also something a bit shady about her. She wants power, and she’s willing to act her way to the top. That’s why she’s pink lemonade, because who knows why it’s so much better than regular lemonade? Why is it pink? Why have I never googled that before? It’s all very mysterious.
Shame Nun – Straight Vodka
Look, I know she can barely be considered a regular on the show, but she’s an absolute savage nonetheless. The Shame Nun is as ruthless and hard to swallow as that first shot of unflavored vodka. Probably Everclear. We all cringed while watching her publicly destroy Cersei’s dignity, kind of like how that 6th shot destroyed you last weekend. While there might be some ways to cut the taste and make vodka palatable, there’s just something about the burn that makes you feel so alive!
Now sit back and relax while you count down the days til the Season 6 premiere on April 24, 2016. I have a feeling that some familiar faces will be back with a vengeance (*cough* Jon Snow) and the red wine will be flowing soon enough… Let the Games begin.