Ladies, you may now exit your browsers because, as we all know, you don’t poop, so this article really doesn’t apply to you. KIDDING, STAY. If I could track down the delusional male who created this myth as a means of easing his own discomfort I would, but, instead, I’ll take the high road.
I’m officially praising both males and females, making it known that we’re all number one for going number two. Hollah for mother nature, yo.
The popular children’s book says it best: Everybody Poops. “Dropping the kids off at the pool,” “laying a cable,” “taking a royal squat,” “releasing the Kraken” – call it what you will, we’re all doing it.
Now that we’ve clarified that this is, in fact, a thing for us all, it’s time to get real about whether that “thing” you’re doing is happening too often, not happening often enough or maybe you’re Goldilocks, and the amount it’s happening is juuuuust right.
But, really, how many times is normal?
Turns out, there’s no Goldilocks golden rule for how many times a day you should be doin’ the deed. According to greatist.com, it’s more of a normal range than a normal number. A normal range spans three times a day to once every three days, meaning the average person poops approximately once a day. APPROXIMATELY ONCE A DAY!? But, I haven’t gone in two days! Has my health gone to sh*t?
No, no it hasn’t. Yes, the average person poops approximately once a day, but as the normal range states, it doesn’t qualify as constipation unless you’ve gone a solid 72 hours without a solid squatting session.
SPOONTIP (SOLID SQUATTING SESSION DEFINED): One ounce of stool. See purposely, very similar-looking-to-poop, one ounce of chocolate. Photo below for reference.
If it’s been three days and you’re still finding yourself (and your bowels) stuck, don’t freak. Constipation isn’t serious, but it can be uncomfortable. Start trying to consciously add more fiber into your diet, this can be anything from nuts to whole grains to bran or even fruit.
If you feel like you’re still not getting enough poopin’ power-up in your regular diet, fiber supplements are always available (and like all great supplements they exist in gummy form).
But, wait, is poop like dessert? Can you never have too much? While dessert and dumps are similar in that they both often take place after a meal, poop is not like dessert, and too much of it is a thing. (Sorry in advance for associating the two and potentially forever ruining brownie desserts for you).
HOWEVER, it’s important to know that going four-plus times a day or having watery, thin stools each time you go may be cause for some concern.
This doesn’t mean that your post-‘Potle burrito runs that have you chained to the latrine should cause you to stress, but if you find that your average run time is longer than most of the Harry Potter films’ running times, you might consider stupefying your bowels by laying off caffeine, alcohol, high fat and high fiber foods.
My poop is green. AM I OKAY? (Probs).
Now that we’ve Febreze-d and cleared the air about what constitutes as the “normal range” for your daily, thrice daily or once-every-three-days-daily dumps, it’s important to understand what the color and texture of your produced human-produce means for your digestive system.
And what better way to get familiar with your feces than by using a diagram of cute lil’ poos with faces on them? They’re just so approachable.
What about that texture, though?
Not only is your poop most likely adorable (as shown above), but everybody does it, and the amount varies from person-to-person. Maybe the more open we are about our poops, the less likely we’ll be to find ourselves in situations similar to this woman’s first date pooping experience, chronicled in this harrowing twitter tale.
Regardless, the next time a guy tries to tell you that girls don’t poop or a girl attempts to convince you that she spent 35+ minutes in the bathroom “getting ready” and “applying makeup” just know, he or she is totally full of crap.