Don’t get me wrong—I appreciate a fresh, organic veggie when I see one. But in the age of “live hormone-pesticide-GMO-fat-sugar-gluten-free or die,” I’ve gotten a bit nostalgic for those glorious, chemical-filled snacks from my childhood. Why is it so hard for an (quasi-) adult to get ahold of them? Unless you’re from a family that didn’t allow unhealthy food within a ten-mile radius of your home, most of you will recognize these snacks from the days when we didn’t care about what went into our food.
1. Fruit Roll-Up/Fruit By the Foot
No matter how you consumed it, these snacks contained zero fruit. But they did contain trivia questions, terrible jokes and straight-up fun. Plus, you could tattoo a picture of Spongebob on your tongue and for a few hours, you’d rule the playground.
Here’s a secret: you can purchase both snacks in Collis Market using the fabled “Topside,” which I’m still pretty sure is imaginary money.
Perhaps one of the greatest faux-ruit drinks ever created. I was a die-hard Strawberry-Kiwi fan in my day, opting for thirst rather than takeing a sip of Pacific Cooler or Wild Cherry. One complaint: Capri-Sun has the tiniest straw ever invented. What is this, a straw for ants?!
Once a vending machine staple but now all but obsolete, and the world is worse for it. Best lemon-lime soda ever (get at me, Sprite).
Unrelated: Remember the game, Seven Up? I feel like there’s absolute drinking game potential somewhere in there.
4. Flintstones Vitamins
Okay, maybe these actually had some nutritional benefit, and weren’t exactly “snacks” (don’t tell me you didn’t down a handful when your parents weren’t looking). But who made the rule that adult vitamins can’t be chewable and dinosaur-shaped? This is, however, coming from the girl who asked for a racecar-themed Band-Aid after getting her Hepatitis B vaccination.
5. Girl Scout Cookies
I’m happy to say that, after a brief hiatus in my life, these have made a comeback as strong as Beyoncé’s in 2011. For a while, I just didn’t have the right connections to buy another box of Samoas or Thin Mints. Luckily, a benefit of Dartmouth’s strong social network is that you just have to whisper the words “Girl Scout Cookies” and someone will know a guy who knows a guy who knows a tiny girl in uniform who can definitely hook you up.