According to Freud, our childhood experiences stick with our unconscious for all eternity. So it only makes sense that the sugar-crazed ghosts of our Halloweens past come back to haunt our present whilst carrying plastic jack o’ lanterns full of our favorite treats. What does your sweetest guilty pleasure and chocolate-coated flashback say about you and the trick-or-treater you once were (and probably still are)?
Candy Corn – You’re Old Fashioned
Look at you in your bed sheet ghost costume! Old fashioned to the bone; you won’t let any of these new fangled youngsters mess with your traditional ways. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” is the motto you live by and your reason to never ingest any of those burger-shaped “sour gummy things.”
Reese’s – You’re Classic
You’re a classic. White picket fence, golden retriever, Full House marathons; you’ve got every box checked. People are probably jealous of you, but you’re so nice that they don’t hold it against you. You go with everything like peanut butter and chocolate go together. So stay wholesome, stay delicious, and stay a consistent people-pleaser.
Mini Chocolate Hershey’s Bars – You’re a Plain Jane
Hey. What’s up? Hello, “You can call me Plain Jane.” Homie, you need to get out of the box. You’re in a box, inside of the box. Branch out! You can do it! It’s a big, scary world out there and having options is hard, but it is worth it. You already know you like chocolate; so start from there and begin your odyssey in the sea of all the calories the candy world has to offer. Bon Voyage.
Nerds – You’re a Nerd (duh)
You are what you eat, and in this case, it’s true. You can’t help it or hold it in, you’re nerdalicious to the core. The heart wants what the heart wants. So shove those specs back up your nose and put back on your Harry Potter costume. These sugar bombs are exactly what the professor ordered. Talk nerdy to me. 😉
Caramel Apple Lollipop – You’re Cultured
Dayum gurl, you cultured AF. You’re no basic betch or hipster wannabe, you know what’s up. It’s fall for goodness sake so you might as well take advantage of those seasonal treats. No this ain’t no PSL, it’s a quality autumn-themed delicacy. You’ve gained the respect of the people and TBH, you probably intimidate the shit out of most of them anyways.
Twizzlers Nibs – You’re Weird
I’m sorry, but the bite-sized nubs of licorice? Have some dignity and get yourself a real man’s stalk of the cherry-red goodness. Weirdo.
Almond Joy – You’re Sophisticated
You are either over the age of 60 or are very in touch with your individuality. Snaps for you. That touch of coconut is not for the unsophisticated palate. You’ve probably had your fair share of piña coladas straight from the tropics and nothing’s gonna stop you from reliving that luxury. So go for it, dive in (just like you dove in the Caribbean from your personal catamaran). You know what you want and everyone else doesn’t know what they’re missing. You own that catamaran. Don’t listen to the haters.
Laffy Taffy – You’re the Life of the Party
Ohhhh I see you. Those bedazzled butterfly wings add to your costume, but not to your disguise. Don’t pretend you aren’t as colorful and spunky as those Laffy Taffy wrappers and as hilarious as those jokes on the back. You bring the energy and pizzazz to a party, never failing to entertain or brighten a room. Stay golden pony boy.
Box of Raisins – You’re a Disappointment
You are the human version of disappointment. I’m sorry to break it to you, but someone had to eventually. Please go reevaluate your priorities, taste buds, and morals.
PSA: You’re never too old to go trick or treating… JK don’t be THAT guy. But hurry and go stock up on your fave candies before the cravings get the best of you.