Well, world, my reputation finally caught up with me. Being known as “The Cupcake Girl” was all fun and games and sprinkles and rainbows, until I realized one day that I was a total fraud. A hoax. Sure, I love cupcakes and own multiple items of cupcake-patterned clothing. And, yes, my desk is currently covered with at least seven different cupcake-inspired decorations (including the bedazzled cupcake sticker on my laptop), but do these material items really make me the true “Cupcake Girl?” No, no they do not.
So I decided it was time to officially earn this distinguished title by doing the most extreme thing possible: replacing all of my meals with cupcakes for an entire day. That’s right. Only cupcakes for 24 hours. Am I excited for this challenge? You betcha. Am I scared I might become comatose from such extreme sugar consumption? Absolutely, I am. Will I surrender to the mighty powers of the cupcake? Honestly, I don’t know. Hopefully not? Read on to experience this Herculean journey with me.
I awake from my golden slumber and venture to the wonderful world of Wal-Mart to purchase my only form of sustenance for the day. I decide upon a dozen vanilla cupcakes with Iron Man rings in the frosting (to give me strength and courage throughout the day) and a dozen triple mini chocolate cupcakes to give me a little variety. Do I actually think I can eat 24 cupcakes in one day? Definitely not, but I have to set my goals high.
I rope my beautiful, wonderful, saint of a friend, Bridgette, into taking ridiculously formal pictures of me holding the cupcakes in an awkward photo shoot on the porch of our sorority house. Though I receive a lot of weird looks from innocent passersby and start getting “high school senior pictures” flashbacks, I stay committed. I have a job to do.
Post modeling, I eat my first cupcake of the day. A little dry with overwhelmingly sweet frosting that turns my mouth and fingers blue. Ahh yes, today is going to be fun.
I eat my first triple chocolate mini cupcake because, um, hello, when else am I going to get to eat cupcakes for every meal? It is somehow even sweeter than the Iron Man cupcake, so I decide to rename it “Triple Chocolate Death.” I drink a giant Tervis Tumbler (a recognized scientific measurement) of water and carry on with my day. Two cupcakes down, many more to come!
My sugar high has plummeted to an extreme low. I’m feeling a little whoozy. The room is slightly spinning. To make matters worse, my roommate just asked “What if you hate cupcakes after today? Like what if this makes you never want to eat them again?” This thought has never crossed my mind. I start reevaluating every life decision I’ve ever made and decide to eat another cupcake to lift my blood sugar and my spirits.
Current Cupcake Count: 3
2 Iron Man
1 Triple Chocolate Death
I feel like I’m dying for like 5 minutes and lie facedown on my floor. Suddenly, the third cupcake kicks in and I get a second wind. I dance, I sing, I yell! I shall prevail!
I decide to eat a children’s multivitamin so I don’t develop any medical conditions (like losing sight in my right eye or developing the Bubonic plague) from the severe lack of vitamins and minerals in my body. Don’t worry, though, the vitamins were just the chalky circus animal kind, so they don’t count as real food.
Two more Triple Chocolate Deaths meet their maker (i.e. my stomach). To quote the great William Shakespeare “Though [they] be but little, they be fierce!” They slide down my parched throat and begin their long journey where they will meet their fellow brothers and sisters of cake.
Two Cheez-Its find their way into my mouth. I’m breaking. The day is finally catching up with me. Can’t go on much longer…starting to see a bright yellow light…no wait, that’s just a bowl of mac and cheese somewhere off in the horizon.
I accept my monumental slip-up and decide to power on still. I would like to think that the cupcake gods will forgive two Cheez-Its, but only time will tell. I eat another Iron Man and Triple Chocolate Death for dinner and try to focus on homework.
I surrender. I give up. I cannot continue this brutal battle any longer. I feel like the cupcakes have started some sort of civil war inside my stomach. My head is pounding from the obscene amount of sugar that is now inside my body. My eyes feel glassy. My mind keeps wandering to swimming pool-sized bowls of Goldfish crackers and bunches of grapes as far as the eye can see! (The lack of fruit hurt me the most today.) I finally decide that enough is enough and make an English muffin covered in melted peanut butter. Then I eat some dried cherries, some granola in milk and some carrots and hummus. As I finish my beautiful binge of food that rivals The Very Hungry Caterpillar, I feel a little disappointed in myself for not actually finishing my challenge. But then I think to myself “I just survived the past 11 hours on cupcakes and cupcakes alone. That is really disgusting but kind of cool.” Totally kind of cool! Score one for The Cupcake Girl.
Final Cupcake Count: 7
3 Iron Man cupcakes
4 mini Triple Chocolate Deaths
+ partial loss of mind