Prior to joining the world of pseudo-adults commonly referred to as “college kids,” I was never much of a wine person. It had stained my teeth, and more or less tasted to me the way that bleach smells. But then I got to college and all of the sudden I had real problems, and wine really stepped up its game.
Using my vast knowledge of human nature and fermented grapes (I took a psychology class, once), I have managed to come up with 6 personality profiles based off six of Barefoot’s greatest $12 bottles of heaven:
1. Merlot: The Overachiever (or Pretend Overachiever)
If your first choice is “Merlot,” I am genuinely concerned for your mental health stability—you are obviously under the impression that you are much more mature than you actually are. However, on the off chance that you are a high-functioning, financially stable college kid (don’t lie), we should probably hang out.
Barefoot’s Merlot pairs well with beef, a Honda Odyssey, and having four kids.
2. Sweet Red Blend: The Fountain of Youth
If your first choice is “Sweet Red Blend,” you most likely don’t actually like wine, but all your close friends do. And for whatever reason, Natty Light and drinking cherry flavored Orloff straight from the bottle are not considered to be “classy habits.”
On the outside, you’re taking it down like a champ, but on the inside you desperately wish this light red liquid was actually a maraschino cherry on top of an ice cream sundae. Oh, and there’s a pretty good chance you’re drinking out of a straw.
3. Chardonnay: The Classy Hot Mess
If your first choice is “Chardonnay,” there is literally no way your night won’t end in drunk crying. Whether it’s caused by listening to Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud,” your ex-boyfriend not replying to your Snapchat, or watching puppy videos on YouTube is up to you.
Luckily for you, you rally like a champ, and tomorrow morning it will be like nothing ever happened.
4. Sauvignon Blanc: The Kardashian Wannabe
If your first choice is “Sauvignon Blanc,” you are a perpetual name dropper. You do everything in your power to work your “not so distant relationship to both the Obamas and Adam Levine” into conversation, and no more than 2 days can go by without mentioning your summer home on the French Riviera.
You definitely own roughly 16 shades of pink lipstick, and wouldn’t dream of going to class in a men’s T-Shirt and leggings. There’s also a 107% chance I stalk your Instagram.
Barefoot’s Sauvignon Blanc pairs well with white fish, most cheeses, a Visa Black Card, and a yacht.
5. White Zinfandel: The Southern Belle
If your first choice is “White Zinfandel,” there is a 76% chance you grew up somewhere below the Mason-Dixon Line. Even though your accent probably makes boys blush, there is a good chance you’ve eaten something that died at the hand of a pickup truck on a gravel road.
6. Pink Moscato: California Girl
If your first choice is “Pink Moscato,” you probably thought you were applying to “the other Miami” and are now wildly disappointed and definitely had to Amazon Prime a black parka. That, or you’re from somewhere warm where the air doesn’t hurt your face and decided to be illogical and “try something new.”
Still looking for a little grape-infused inhibition killer? Check out these related articles: