No one likes a breakup, but in many times it’s necessary. You’d like to say that you can eventually become friends with your ex, but often that’s not the case. Chances are, one of them still despises you, the other is still in love with you, and one probably doesn’t even realize you dated. However, at least one your ex-boyfriends hated using condiments; (pun definitely intended) so I elegantly compared them to one another.
1. Ranch, AKA “The Jock”
Everybody’s tried him, but you just can’t help yourself. He can go on everything, (and just about has) but the rich and savory flavor makes you forget where he’s been. Everybody loves ranch, but eventually people grow up and acquire actual taste buds. He peaked in high school, and you realize you want something that hasn’t been used by everyone. The once-addictive flavor is now quite tasteless, and you’re almost embarrassed that you craved it for so long.
2. Tabasco Sauce, AKA “The Hothead”
In moderation, he was fine – at least that’s what you told yourself. He was bold, and you two had some fun, but the “fiery passion” (which you now call an unhealthy relationship) quickly sizzled out of control.
If you didn’t include him in every plan you made he got jealous, and your phone would go haywire from having too many missed calls and messages. All in all he left a bad taste in your mouth. You’ll never forget the times with Tabasco, but you won’t think twice about picking him up again.
3. Garlic, AKA “Mr. Sensitive”
“Please stop tearing up…I promise I didn’t mean it like that. I really DO love your hair cut babe, I swear I noticed without you having to tell me.” You’ve probably had this conversation, or something similar to it, with garlic. You were intrigued by his ability to talk about something other than sports, he was different.
Garlic’s language made you feel special: “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world; I can’t imagine life without you.” You wanted a guy that was capable of having emotions, but not more emotions than you. Soon every little thing turned into a fight because he’d take everything (and I mean everything) the wrong way. Garlic made you feel things you’ll always cherish, but you couldn’t live in a soap opera forever.
4. Relish, AKA “The Friend With Benefits”
You were bored with life and so was your best friend, so you both gained an unhealthy obsession with relish. It wasn’t your first choice, you never thought you’d buy it, but you tried it and it wasn’t half bad. “I’ll never get feelings for relish,” you told yourself.
But then you did. The FWB relationship quickly turned into a crock pot of a mess, and the ending result was a bit awkward. But you soon remembered that relish isn’t right for every meal; it wasn’t meant to be a permanent ingredient in your fridge or life. However, you’ll always have a soft spot for his pickled ways.
5. Hummus, AKA “The Artist”
He almost convinced you to be a vegetarian, and you wore an alarming amount of black for those few months. Hummus was unique, and could melt your heart when he read his poetry.
You wanted to be on the same level as him, but your “deep” conversations consisted of you awkwardly nodding your head pretending to understand anything he said. Hummus had great taste in music, but between all of his long exasperating speeches on life and the constant stench of cigarette smoke; it just wasn’t going to last.
6. Ketchup, AKA “The Slob”
You knew guys weren’t known for their cleanliness but this one took the cake (like the moldy cake that was rotting in his fridge). Ketchup was easy to be around and extremely laid back, and that’s why you liked him. Unfortunately these traits carried over to his hygiene and cleaning habits.
His skin was always slightly sticky, probably because he took a maximum of three showers a week. You always slightly dreaded going to his place because you didn’t know what type of horrid smell you would be stuck dealing with. Every relationship teaches you something, and with this one it was that deodorant is not replacable for showering.
7. Wasabi, AKA “The Dick”
The jock was just stupid, he didn’t mean any harm. This one did. People told you not to go for him, but that made you want to even more. You were convinced you could be the girl that changes Wasabi’s narcissistic ways.
Wasabi looked so appetizing, and because of this it was easy to be manipulated by him. He was controlling, which you got confused for caring; but as soon as you took a bite you were sick to your stomach. It was a long, five-course relationship with this guy filled with tears, anger, and many glasses of milk to dilute his pungent taste.
8. Miracle Whip, AKA “The Rebound”
You ran out of mayo, so this was a quick fix for the time being. You tried desperately to fill a void but it didn’t work. He was a nice guy, but “nice” was the best thing you could say about him. It wasn’t his fault, maybe the timing was just off. The few (very few) months you two talked weren’t great, but they weren’t terrible either.
You don’t wish any harm on him, but you don’t exactly care if he succeeds. It was a bland relationship that served the purpose of you trying to get over someone, but in the end it didn’t work. He was “nice,” but you could easily go the rest of your life without seeing Miracle Whip ever again.
9. Honey, AKA “The One That Got Away”
You had your own version of The Notebook in the palm of your hands, but somehow your love story fell short. You didn’t really know how it happened, and you still don’t. If you weren’t with him you were on the phone with him and it never got old.
Honey instantly made you feel better; you could always rely on him for that. Unfortunately time and things change, and you two slowly went your separate ways. In the end you’ll never forget about the nostalgic relationship you had with him and all it taught you. You’ll always have a sweet spot for honey.
Just like condiments, your ex-boyfriends had a place in your fridge (or heart) at some point, but eventually they met their expiration dates. We’ve all had them, tasted some, and in the end spit them all out.