The 4th of July is a good ass time. From delicious BBQs to beautiful fireworks, the 4th is a holiday that all Americans look forward to. What no one seems to jump for joy about is July 5th: The Day After The 4th. Here are 9 thoughts that every single college kid has the morning after the 4th.
“I need to poop NOW.”
The combination of food that you ingested the day before is wreaking havoc on your insides. Red, white, and blue cupcakes, chips, s’mores and burgers are all churning together inside you and you feel like you might combust. This is even worse than that time you slapped the bag for a minute straight…
“Where the f is my [wallet, keys, dignity, etc.]?”
No doubt thing’s got shambly last night. You panic as you go through a mental checklist of all the shit you’re gonna have to go find soberly in the light of day today. Nothing like a walk of shame to collect your dignity. Somehow it’s more acceptable at school than it is in your hometown…
“Am I deaf???”
Your eardrums were metaphorically pummeled by the sounds of fireworks bursting and cracking. You massage your ears because you think that will help. You wonder if this is the end of the road for your hearing. Not even the frat basement is that loud.
“Did I finish that entire ‘merica Budweiser thirty rack?”
4th of July is an all day party. It’s no surprise that when you peak into the near empty thirty rack you feel nauseous at the sight of all the beer you consumed. Next year, you’re switching to hard alcohol. That will solve everything, right?
“Why does everything smell like hot dogs?”
You thought it would be impressive to try and eat as many hotdogs as possible in honor of the Nathan’s Contest; it wasn’t impressive. It was nasty. You embarrassed your parents and almost pooped your pants.
“If I have to hear ‘Born in The U.S.A.’ one more time, I’m going to freak out.”
America sing-a-longs are all in good fun until the 8th time around. And then it’s time to shut that shit off before you ruin the songs forever.
“This temporary tattoo isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon.”
It seemed like a good idea to stick on 8 tacky, glitter flag temporary tattoos all over your arms. Now it’s back to the internship and your boss isn’t going to be too impressed. Sigh.
Pro Tip: Baby oil always does the trick.
“My diet starts today.”
Everyone always seems to choose July 5th as the day to start working out again and eating healthier. Maybe it’s because of the beer bloat your chillin’ with the morning after. I say live with no ragretz.
“Next year I’m going to [eat, drink, party] less.”
That’s what you said last year, hotshot.