It’s no secret that gluten-free diets have become something of a phenomenon within the past couple of years (cue collective eye rolling). No, this is not another article about why you should hop on the bandwagon, we know you’ve had enough of that; it’s actually something of the opposite.
With people like Kim Kardashian and your hot, dumb neighbor proudly publicizing why going gluten free is the best health move they’ve ever made, those of us medically condemned to a glutenless regimen have to bear the flack of a hopelessly incurable bad rep. In most cases I do my best not to draw attention to my dietary restriction, but there are some side effects that are just too much of a bummer to ignore on a night out.
To be completely honest, even the smell of beer kind of grosses me out and I don’t have a real desire to drink it. But with beer comes all the fun party tricks that make you feel like a badass (at least that’s how I imagine it feels). Maybe doing a keg stand is my secret talent. Now we’ll never know.
I’m already extremely awkward, so first impressions are not my forte, but now you find out I’m gluten free and that’s your cue to make a speedy, and not so subtle escape while I frantically try to explain it’s not by choice. “Oh, your friend needs you from over there? Yup, that’s cool. I’ll just be here with my overpriced pretzels.”
Just because we’re gluten free doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate late night snackage, but nobody’s gonna be down to pay extra for a pizza that tastes like shoe. So now I’m just awkwardly watching everyone else demolish their pizza. I mean, I don’t feel weird, but just know that I’m living vicariously through you and probably won’t break eye contact while you work on that stringy strand of cheese. Like I said, weird for you, not me.
Kegger cover charges
You just have to deal with pitching the $5-10 for a keg that you can’t drink from. It’s not the end of the world but it is kind of a drag to pay just to enter someone’s house. You think negotiation is the clever solution? By explaining why you can’t drink the keg, you become the gluten free jerk giving the rest of us a bad name. No, I’m not above pointing fingers, and yes I’m looking at you.
Ordering drinks and still trying to be cool
This one might be a little more subtle, and yes I know it’s another beer thing. But beer is a not so underratedly large part of Uni life, and everyone looks good with a beer in their hand. I step up to the bar counter and order what? A margarita? A mojito? Yes, they’re delicious, but now the bartender and anyone within earshot is judging me.
Inevitably gluten free products will be more expensive. I know it’s supply and demand or whatever but let’s just break this down for a second. At a bar, the average price for beer is $2-5, for a shot it’s usually somewhere between $5-8 depending on the alcohol, and for cocktails it’s more like $8-12.
Either way, I am most likely spending more than you. “What’s that I hear you say? There are gluten free beers.” While bars offering gluten beer are few and far between, they do exist. However with that being said, a gluten free beer at one of these trendy pubs can be anywhere from $14-20. In other words, only if drinks are on you.
End of the night bust
Sadly the night must eventually end, which is when you realize you may have had a little too much to drink. Of course, this never happens to me… because I’m classy as hell, but if it did, the go-to solution of feeding me bread to try to soak up the alcohol would be a low-key attempted murder, and alive is something I would very much like to remain.