You, me and farts all have one thing in common: we’re all unique and different. So we’ve made a list to help you understand your farts’ characteristics and how they’re formed.
1. The Silent But Deadly
Caused by: chewing gum
The SBD (Silent But Deadly) just comes out randomly and fills the air around you. Chewing gum is the most well known suspect for these farts. There’s a small amount of sorbitol, an indigestible sugar, found in gum that makes you fart. These farts won’t smell, but will either make no sound at all or sound like a short, powerful wind rush.
2. The Unsuspecting
Caused by: apples, peaches, prunes
Sorbitol can be found in fruits as well. I think I know why they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away: ain’t nobody gonna want to be around you when you got gas leaks. Luckily, these farts are tolerable. These will mostly be quiet and evaporate quickly.
3. The Jazz Quartet
Caused by: cereal, oatmeal, and other breads
Lactose is most commonly found in dairy, but it’s also added in many cereals and breads. Small amounts of lactose combined with fiber and starch will create cute little gas bubbles in your colon. Not only will they smell and sound nice, but they’ll remind you of the smooth sounds of a jazz quartet.
4. Pandora’s Box
Caused by: broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, cabbage
Raffinose is another type of indigestible sugars. But really, raffinose? More like burn-my-nose. Who knew eating veggies could backfire? So much for trying to be healthy. These veggies will open up Pandora’s Box of hell and unleash the most horrid smells that none of us deserve to live through.
5. The Sour Milk
Caused by: milk, ice cream, cheese, most dairy products
Like mentioned earlier, lactose makes you fart. Just in case you didn’t know, there’s a high amount of lactose in milk and dairy products. These farts are so pungent and deadly that even real men can’t tolerate them. The men who live to see the end of the tunnel probably end up having holes burned through their pants (unless they’re a really good pair of jeans).
6. The Worst Third Wheel
Caused by: beans, raw onions
Beans might not make you dance, but they have high amounts of fiber and raffinose that will make you fart like there’s no end to it. Try to avoid beans on a date, because you’ll end up dropping a new dubstep remix while suffocating your date.
7. The Nuclear Bomb
Caused by: fast food
This special type of fart will send you straight to your death bed. Fast food contains the highest amount of sugars that makes your intestines stop functioning and let out farts oh-so-ghastly that could do some terrible things to your senses. Consider your body a temple and stop yourself from dropping that bomb.