We've all been there. It's been 1 hour 48 minutes and 13 seconds since the last time you ate. You're really f*cking hungry and you're surrounded by people. People who don't seem to be hungry at all, people who seem to be on a mission to be as irritating as possible. So irritating that you just can't take it anymore.
It gets to be too much, so you start to say really mean things to these truly innocent bystanders, things like "can you please STFU" or "I didn't know you didn't have an off button, Grandma." And then you start to think to yourself, "Damn, I'm really hangry no wonder I am being such a prick." Sound familiar?
Well, I'm here to tell you that you are not hangry. In fact, hanger is a completely made up term to excuse all of our collective asshole behavior that happens to occur in between meal times. No no, you're not hangry, you're actually just being a douchebag. How do I know? Because I can be a douchebag too. So this one goes out to all the douchebags experiencing the struggle of not having eaten within the last 30 seconds and 5 signs to know if you're one of them.
1. You find yourself using the term "hangry" even while eating.
Here's a little fun fact about "hanger." It's relieved by food. Funny how that works. But yet, we douchebags let our hanger stick around, even when we're 5 bites deep into our pint of Ben & Jerry's. We're still throwing around asshole remarks and making claims that it's "everyone else's fault for not feeding us in closer increments." We're the worst, and we like it that way.
2. You've never had to consistently worry about where your next meal is coming from... Like literally never.
42.2 million Americans have lived or are living in food insecure households. You may be one of them, and if you are please ignore the context of this article and check out this list of nonprofits on a mission to relieve hunger in the United States. No, you, you are not a douchebag.
But for the rest of us. Those who come home to full fridges, Seamless accounts, and prepaid dining hall swipes, we're just douchebags complaining about the food we have but are too lazy to go and get.
3. You constantly b*tch about other people complaining that they're also hangry
"There is only one star in this show and it's me, okay? Please stop telling everyone how hangry you are when you know that I was hangry first. It's getting pretty annoying. Only one hangry person allowed, and guess what? That's me." - Said every douchebag ever (either in their head or out loud, but if it was out loud they're not hangry they're just the devil... Run).
4. When asked what you'd like to eat to resolve your hanger you respond, "idc."
Ah, every hangry person's go-to move, the "idc" text. The truth is, you care a f*cking lot. In your head, you know exactly what you're in the mood for you just don't want to be annoying. Well, guess what? It's way too late for that. You've let your "hanger" get to the point of no return. Now everyone is trying their best to feed you and you coincidentally now don't have an opinion about anything even though 10 seconds ago you had an opinion about everything.
Like I said, you're not hangry, you're just a douchebag.
5. Now that you've made everyone around you miserable, you enjoy your meal happily and are confused why everyone else is suddenly in a bad mood.
And this, this is really the reason why you're a douchebag. It takes a really negative mother f*cker to put another person in a bad mood just for the sake of eating the minute they feel like they needed to. But you did it! Welcome to the douchebag club, the fastest growing club in America.