Superfoods are a load of marketing hype and it’s time someone finally says it. No, taking wheatgrass shots won’t make you lose 10 pounds (just stick to tequila) and no, your cacao-spinach-voodo-berry smoothie isn’t going to magically give you abs. We’re sick of kale, chia seeds are so last year and no one even knows how to pronounce açai. Algae may be up and coming, but here’s a current list of super (delicious) foods that we college kids really can’t live without.
The cheese covering this widely-used super food is rich in calcium while the tomatoes in the sauce provide an excellent source of vitamin C. Studies (by me) have shown that eating 4 slices between the hours of 2-4 am can increase overall well-being.
2. Maple Syrup
This so-called “God’s Nectar” has been used in households for generations. The founding mother of maple syrup, also known as Aunt Jemima, was said to live to 140 thanks to maple syrup’s age-fighting super powers and its ability to turn blood into liquid sugar.
3. French Fries
This super food is familiar among Pittsburgh natives as it is often used as a salad topper. French fries are also widely celebrated for their ability to prevent hangovers. Simply travel to the golden arches of McDonald’s (you can even order breakfast at any time of day) and consume one serving before bed to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to conquer yet another Saturday night.
4. Gummy Bears
A good indicator of a super food is a wide variety of color and texture. Gummy bears can be found in an assortment of shades, meaning that they are rich in naturally occurring vitamins and minerals (right?). Soaking these for up to 5 hours in vodka has been shown to increase their natural antioxidant power and increase general happiness.
5. Mac and Cheese
Macaroni and cheese is, quite literally, liquid gold for your arteries (you can make your own like this). Kraft got it right on the money with this creation. Whether you like your mac and cheese in shells or in the shape of SpongeBob, this depression-fighting power meal has been shown to keep poor college students alive for years longer than their peers who consumed fewer than 3 servings of Easy Mac daily.
So eat up and trudge on, my fellow collegiate. If you’re feeling adventurous, you can upgrade your Easy Mac.
6. Chocolate Fountain
The Aztecs discovered this natural serotonin booster decades before it made its way here to the states. Chocolate fountains originated inside the Aztec’s ancient temples and are now seen at celebrations all across the world. It’s been rumored that if you strip down and jump in the fountain at your second cousin’s wedding, the Aztec Gods will bless you with a life filled with love, happiness, and potentially even diabetes.
7. Pork Roll
Ah, bacon’s second cousin twice removed. Pork roll falls into the family of circular foods such as pizza and donuts—a rare and exclusive group of super foods. Eating circular foods has been shown to balance your ying and yang, bringing you artery clogging inner peace.
8. Hot Pockets
What reminds you of home more than a bundle of rubbery meat and cheese wrapped in a cardboard pastry and microwaved for 2 minutes? Mmm, smells like desperation and your parent’s neglect.
Rumor has it that eating nothing but queso for 7 days and 7 nights has the same cleaning affect on your body as Beyonce’s 22 Day Vegan Diet. Rich in Calcium, queso has been shown to regulate hormones and help shed body fat.
Studies have shown time and time again that circular foods are the best foods for not only your health, but overall well being. F*ck a food pyramid, the food circle is where it’s at—and what’s at the top of the food circle? Donuts, duh. It’s common knowledge that sprinkles are superfoods stars, but put em’ on top of a donut and you’ve got a sugar high that’ll keep you going all day long (or at least through an all-nighter).
11. Pizza Rolls
You know your younger cousin that’s kind of annoying but convenient to have around so you don’t look like a loser standing alone at family parties? That’s pizza rolls. They don’t quite have the same superpowers as pizza, but they’ll do in a pinch. Eating 3-5 servings of these tiny pockets of cheese before bed will leave you feeling like a super star by the time your 9 am Friday class rolls around.
Studies have shown that bringing your significant other McDonald’s will get you laid (especially now that they serve breakfast all day long). Is there really a food more super than that?
Okay so maybe coffee isn’t technically a food, but when you live off of nothing but espresso shots and your wavering hopes and dreams for all of finals week, it deserves a mention. Your nutritionist may tell you that drinking more water is the cure for all your aliments, but they are poorly misguided. Coffee is the life source that will give you the energy to power through that Friday morning exam and keep you off the verge of a mental breakdown (at least until you make it back to your dorm room).
14. Chinese Food
You may be feeling like you need a juice detox after a weekend of PBR and tailgate food, but the real way to cleanse your body is with some authentic Chinese food. While a juice cleanse will leave you hangry, the MSG in Chinese food has been shown to have detoxifying effects on the liver as well as supporting overall digestive health.
Let’s face it, your gluten free, GMO free, dairy free granola just ain’t cutting it anymore. When you’re hungry and you’re bored and you need to crush an entire box of Captain Crunch while bingeing on Breaking Bad, cereal is there by your side.
16. Kool Aid
Kool Aid is great and all, it reminds us of our childhood, and what’s better than reminiscing on our childhoods than reminiscing on our childhoods while chugging jungle juice at your first frat party? That unidentifiable kale chia smoothie you’re drinking probably has the same number of ingredients, so why not trade it in for something more fun?
Doritos are a unique superfood, as their color can only be found in one place on earth. Rumor has it that the high quality Dorito cheese originates from cows that live on the highest point in the Alps, which is what gives these tiny triangles of joy their unique flavor.
18. Beef Jerky
Beef jerky is like that $5 bill you find in between your couch cushions when you’re hungover searching for your keys (and dignity). It smells kind of stale and you have no idea how it got there, but money is money and food is food and jerky is jerky so you eat it anyway.
19. Ben & Jerry’s
The only superfood that can fill that lonely pit in your stomach as you lay in bed with a spoon ladling Chubby Hubby into your mouth.
I’m a firm believer that nachos are the ultimate superfood. I’d be willing to argue that they are in fact, the only food, that covers every level of the food pyramid — making them essential to survival. You have your base of chips for grains, guac and peppers for your fruits and veggies, beef for the meat, and most importantly, cheese for your daily serving of dairy. Oh, and a marg on the side just to make sure you’ve got your daily serving of sugar.