Eating your way through Thanksgiving is an artform. Some would even go as far to say that it’s a battle; from the appetizers, to the first course, the main course, the sides, and all the way to the desserts, you’ve got to prepare yourself for a food fight of sorts.
Who other than Game of Thrones’ very own Tyrion Lannister would be more qualified to take you on your journey through the holiday centered around giving thanks and pigging out? The art of feasting begins and ends with GOT’s most candid yet hungry member of the House Lannister.
Although Tyrion exists in a time and place without the celebration of Thanksgiving, as quite possibly one of the wittiest men in all of Westeros, he has a passion for food and all things sumptuous, and therefore is the only man suited to take you through the 10 stages of your Thanksgiving meal.
Stage 1: Optimism
It’s Thanksgiving morning and not wanting to even think about how many calories you consumed last Turkey Day, you convince yourself to skip breakfast and lunch to save room for your upcoming feast. Don’t eat before dinner, they said. It’ll be easy, they said. You’ll realize this all too late as hunger quickly starts to grow inside you like Khaleesi’s baby dragons.
Stage 2: Sneak Attack
You’ve given up. You know you’ve hit a low point when you’re sneaking the appetizer plate into your room so your mom won’t see you stuff your face before the meal has even begun. You’ve let yourself down. But hey, you tell yourself, it was worth every bite.
Stage 3: Extreme Anticipation
The moment has finally arrived and your family is all gathered around the table. You’re about to take a whopping bite of the mashed potato and gravy volcano you made on your plate, when all of a sudden your mom stops everything and makes each and every one of 27 of your family members to go around and say what they’re thankful for. Thanks for that, MOM.
Stage 4: Slap Happy
Your mom is finally making her way through her last toast and it’s almost time for the food. You’re so excited you can barely speak as you’re trying to create a game plan in your head of how much space on your plate you’ll allot to each dish. At this point you’re dying of anticipation as the last word of thanks is said before the most important part of Thanksgiving, the food (duh), is to start.
Stage 5: Strategy
You’ve been through this before, we all have. So much food, so little time. To make the most of your Thanksgiving, you decide to dedicate each part of your meal to a certain food combo to be eaten at a specific time: turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans, and candied yams, dinner rolls, and scalloped potatoes (not to mention the desserts).
Stage 6: Surrender
The plan? What plan? The strategy you thought would carry you through your Thanksgiving voyage has floated away, and you’ve jumped ship. The second you tasted one bite of that turkey, there was no going back. Inhaling anything within arm’s reach on the table, you have no clue what you have eaten, which justifies you eating like a king.
Stage 7: Absolute Loss of Control
You’re getting serious side-eye from your cousin sitting next to you, sassy disgust from your mother at the head of the table, and cheers from your uncle across from you. But you don’t care, Thanksgiving comes only once a year, right? Less is not more today. Your stomach gurgles from the pounds and pounds of food you have just eaten as you swallow another forkful of pumpkin pie. Can’t stop, won’t stop.
Stage 8: Food Coma
Can’t. Get. Up. From. Your. Seat. We’ve all been there: that uncomfortable feeling as the button on your pants pops open, your little food baby in your belly growing by the second. There’s no avoiding it. It just comes with the territory. Happy Thanksgiving.
Stage 9: Complete Denial
You’ve made the slow retreat from the dinner table to the sofa. As you turn on A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, you convince yourself that you didn’t just eat enough food to feed a small village, that you didn’t shed a tear when you realized that you ate an entire pecan pie by yourself. Pics or it didn’t happen, right?
Stage 10: Leftovers
It’s lunchtime on the Friday after Thanksgiving, and all you can think about as you open your fridge is how BADLY you need a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce. Who cares if you ate the same exact food yesterday? Today is a new day, and besides, leftovers always taste better.