In a world where choices constantly confound us, such as, “Should I get the tall or the grande?” or “Do I want fries with that?” (the answer is always yes, by the way), there never seems to be a time without struggle. To help out, I have decided I could answer some of life’s many open-ended questions to make the world a little less confusing.
For Millennials, going to frozen yogurt has become the premiere low-pressure date place or after dinner hangout spot. With all its customizable options, be it the flashy flavors or the never-ending toppings bar, you know you’ll always get what you want.
As humans, we crave the power of customization. That is why you’ve most likely thought, “What would happen if I actually mixed these two flavors together? How gross would that be?” But you’ve never wanted to spend the money, or risk your taste buds for that matter. That is why I made my way to Yogurt Extreme to put myself to the test.
Staring at the wall of yogurt dispensers, I felt as if I was Picasso staring at a blank canvas. With so many options, and a very limited college student budget, I began my Frankenstienian experiment.
1. Root Beer & Strawberry Banana (Nerds/Christmas Candy Corn/Maple Walnuts)
If you ever wondered what it would be like to eat a fruit roll-up dragged through the mud, look no further. The American nostalgia of the root beer mixed with the Pepto-Bismol colored strawberry banana left my mouth utterly confused. I remember thinking at one point, I have never experienced anything like this, and that statement still rings true today.
The smell of the concoction was horribly minty, like someone had bottled a perfume called Dentist’s Office and sprayed it all over this yogurt. The only positive was that I took one for the team and ate some of the Christmas candy corn so no one else would have to.
2. Peanut Butter & Watermelon Sorbet (Butterscotch/Chocolate Covered Almonds/Gummy Bears)
This tasted like how Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” sounds, which might intrigue you… but please don’t doubt me and suffer through it yourself. The watermelon sorbet is single handedly the strongest element in this mixture, and that is not a good thing.
Its sugary sweet flavor smelled of sunscreen, and mixed with the earthy tones of the almonds and peanut butter, it felt as if I had been hiking for days on end and was desperately grabbing for any spilled snacks in the bottom of my backpack, only to end up with a handful of disappointment. Butterscotch and watermelon should never come in contact again. This was worse than a Minion meme.
3. Salted Caramel Corn & Strawberry Lemonade Sorbet (Peach Rings/Mango Boba/Peanut Butter Puffs)
After my one and only bite, it felt like the county fair had just thrown up in my mouth. The sickeningly sweet lemonade collided with the caramel corn, making a rusty, coppery taste.
The peach rings held my mouth hostage as I was forced to chew them for what felt like 17 years, all the while I had the unfortunate pleasure of biting into gooey mango fish eggs. What was my favorite cereal as child, Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs, started to taste like dry dog food, yet was the only saving grace in this horrible experience.
4. Graham Cracker & Raspberry (Maraschino Cherries/Choco Rocks/Gummy Duck)
It must be noted that I have fostered a deep hatred for maraschino cherries since I was a young child, after every Red Robin milkshake was tainted by their presence, but I decided to continue. I have never tried trash a la carte before, but I believe that this is what the texture and taste would resemble.
Most likely scooped from an outdated diner’s dumpster, this Shirley Temple disaster was only made worse by the presence of Peep’s long lost relative, the Gummy Duck. I remember my mouth was in physical pain at one point.
5. Crème Brûlée Gelato & Original Tart (Pineapple/Sour Patch/Hot Fudge)
Original Tart should be banned in all 50 states. With that said, I can faithfully say this combo was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in a yogurt shop and I have had many traumatizing experiences. When I took my first bite I believe I saw my life flash in front of my eyes, only to unfortunately realize I was still eating this ungodly creation.
There is just something about pineapples, hot fudge and crème brûlée that does not work, and to add sour patch on top of the Original Tart made me question everything that had led me to this point in life. I could not even swallow this, it left a worst taste in my mouth than watching a Nash Grier vine.
As I exited the laboratory and reentered reality, I realized that I had probably gained nothing substantial from this experience other than helping innocent people not make the same mistakes I had. Although I received 6 free punches for my purchases, I don’t think I can stomach any more frozen yogurt just yet. Especially not that God forsaken Original Tart.