Make This Dank Three-Course Meal When You’re Stoned

After a couple scientists hot-boxed a squad of mice, they ran extremely scientific tests so they could prove two things: THC enhances olfactory sensitivity and mice get a little too existential when they’re high (those mice later went on to take over the world).

But enough conjecture: the THC part explains why food tastes like a very special afterlife when you’re high. For your next date night, pamper evening, or dinner party with friends, take a fat bong rip and indulge yourself with this three course meal, stoner cookbook-style.

#SpoonTip: Cook first. Marijuana after.

Appetizer: Pull-Apart Cheesy Garlic Bread

Photo by Megan Yee

Time to think ahead. The last time I got high, I spent an hour putting on mismatched socks and eating a muffin. Not my best moment, let’s move on. When a singular entity is high, their ability to do anything at all is suddenly reduced to that of a four-year-old child on crutches who’s completely blind, but hasn’t realized it yet. This means that you should think ahead and prepare foods that are easy to eat (that means no pomegranates, you punks).

And that’s why we’re gonna start off the meal with soft, pull-apart cheesy garlic bread, an easy to eat compilation of cheesy goodness. This dish involves cutting 2 oz. cans of Pillsbury crescent dinner rolls into 24 pieces and dipping each piece in a butter-garlic mixture. After baking for 40 minutes, sprinkle with cheese and the dish is complete.

Main Course: Chimichanga

Photo by Tiara Brown

The main course needs to be meaty and filling, which is why a fat chimichanga will make you feel some kind of way. It’s a monstrous compilation of cheesy meat and vegetables all wrapped in warm tortilla skin and drowned in sour cream and salsa. The fact that it’s supposed to be messy means that people won’t stare at you in despair when you savagely destroy it to pieces. Plus, the wild combination of a bunch of different flavors will do just the trick to impress and woo your altered self.

To make this dish, simply fry onion, garlic, and jalapeno in a saucepan with seasoning. Then cook some re-fried beans and shredded chicken. Wrap it all up in a burrito and bake for 10 minutes. Afterwards it can be served with rice or sour cream.

Dessert: Molten Chocolate Cake and Ice Cream

Photo by Kelda Baljon

Cottonmouth: the effect of having a dry mouth after smoking dank cannabis due to chemicals in THC actively impeding salivary glands.

Cure: ice cream.

It’s the most basic dessert dish, but as a stoner, you’re obligated to your sober self to finish this intense gorging session with warm chocolate melting cake and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I’m not gonna lie, this is secretly my favorite dessert ever. But this choice isn’t more biased than it should be, as ice cream acts as the perfect cure for dry mouth. This combination of flavors and temperatures will blow your mind.

Creating this from scratch involves melting chocolate into a mixture. Whisk together 4 eggs and add sugar, flour, and butter. After combining the chocolate and egg mixture, you will bake this in ramekins for 14 minutes.

Now, I wish you well on your cannibal adventures. Eat like shit, do nothing, and maybe cry a little after watching Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter. I hope you’ll appreciate all your intensified senses after this disgustingly fiendish meal and some residue appreciation will inject itself into your everyday life.

Pull Apart Cheesy Garlic Bread

• Step 1

  Heat oven to 350° Fahrenheit . Spray 8-9inch square glass baking sheet with cooking spray.

• Step 2

  In small bowl, mix melted butter, Italian seasoning and garlic

• Step 3

  Unroll each can of dough into 1 large rectangle. Cut rectangle into 8 rows by 3 rows. Roll each piece into a ball and dip completely in butter mixture. Arrange single layer in baking dish.

• Step 4

  Bake 25 to 28 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and bake for 3-5 minutes until cheese is melted. Cool for 5 minutes and serve warm.

Chicken Chimichanga

• Step 1

  Preheat oven to 450° Fahrenheit. Melt butter and vegetable oil. Add onion, garlic, and jalapeno. Cook until soft, about 3 minutes.

• Step 2

  Add salt and any other seasoning. Add tomato and cilantro and cook until slightly dry (about 2 minutes)

• Step 3

  Stir in chicken and sour cream.

• Step 4

  Spread 2 tablespoons refried beans on center of tortilla. Top with 1 cup chicken and 1/4 cup cheese. Fold ends and roll up.

• Step 5

  Put chimichangas seam side down on baking sheet. Brush with butter/oil. Bake 8-10 minutes per side. Top with sauce, cheese, lettuce, tomato, etc.

Molten Chocolate Cake and Ice Cream

• Step 1

  Melt the chocolate and butter in saucepan over low heat

• Step 2

  Whisk eggs and sugar. Slowly add in flour to mixture.

• Step 3

  Add egg mix to melted chocolate and mix well. Pour mix into greased ramekin.

• Step 4

  Bake in oven at 390° Fahrenheit for 14 minutes.