We’ve all seen the photos…
This is the Kylie Jenner we used to know…
Then there’s this girl.
I mean, I know puberty can do some amazing things (cough cough, Matthew Lewis), but I refuse to give it credit for this. Recently, Kylie broke Google when her lips kits went on sale. People are actually buying this stuff, both the product and the idea that it will “improve” their lips.
I am actually comfortable with the size of my lips, but for any of you out there that want to plump yours up a little and were unable to purchase these kits before the site crashed, consider it a blessing in disguise. I have come up with five ways in which you can achieve Jenner-worthy lips, naturally.
1. Eat something you’re allergic to
The beauty of allergies, is that your body (involuntary) swells when ingested. For example, if you’re allergic to shellfish, stick your lips into a bowl of shrimp. Be careful not to put your entire face in there, this could result in your whole face swelling. I’m sure you can imagine how ridiculous that would look, so make sure you just stick with the lips. If you want the full effect, eat the shellfish too. This will plump your lips from the inside out, resulting in ultimate volume.
2. Get the last bit of almond butter out of the jar with your face
Put the knife down. It might be the most reasonable way to get almond butter out of the jar, but we’re talking about the Kardashians; no time to be reasonable.
Instead, put your mouth into the jar and move your tongue around to get the butter. The longer you keep your lips in there, the bigger they will be. Not only will this action maximize size, it is also a more efficient way of getting almond butter into your stomach (no interruption of bread). Bonus points if you’re allergic to tree nuts.
3. Eat the hottest pepper you can find
I recommend starting with a habanero, they’re ten times hotter than a jalapeño. If you have a low spice tolerance, this pepper will probably do the trick for you. If your spice tolerance is higher, however, you might try something like a scotch bonnet.
If you don’t mind losing feeling in your tongue for the next week, ghost peppers are insanely hot. In order to get the most bang for your buck, cut the pepper in half and rub the seeds and membrane over your lips – like lipstick. Conclude your pepper experience with ingesting it. There is potential that your tongue could swell as well. Maybe that will be the next fad; giant tongues.
4. Fail at the Cinnamon Challenge
The cinnamon challenge is almost 15 years old, but has really only been popular for the last 10 (if you need some literature to avoid your work with, explore Know Your Meme: the Cinnamon Challenge). Long story short, you attempt to eat a spoonful of cinnamon, and it makes you throw up.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the cinnamon challenge before, but I bet you didn’t know that the oil found in cinnamon can irritate and inflame your taste buds and membranes. That’s a lot of science talk for “can give you Kylie Jenner lips.” This is probably the least effective method in my arsenal, but heck, why not give it a try. If you’re allergic to cinnamon, it’s guaranteed to work.
5. Use your favorite vegetable
This method is the least dangerous, the simplest, and you get a snack at the end of it too. Cut your favorite veggie to fit the width of your mouth, and stick it in between your gums and lips. Carrot and asparagus would work, but their fibrous nature prevents them from bending to fit your mouth. A strip of bell pepper is the perfect combination of support and malleability.
It is important that you do not talk while utilizing this method. Doing so could force the veggie out of your mouth; your genius plan will be foiled, you will be embarrassed, and you have lifeless lips again. Keep your mouth closed, through soft smiling, and those around you will be in such awe of your perfect lips, that they won’t even know you’re not moving or speaking.
This method also lends itself to smiling and serious model faces, but be careful not to go into full Zoolander mode.
Good luck on your food endeavors, future Kylie’s. If anyone questions your morals in these procedures, remind them they are natural – so it is OK.