I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to sit and watch an entire game without eating something, but I’d be willing to bet that around 99% of sports enthusiasts would have a pretty tough time doing so. Think about it. When was the last time you made plans to watch a game (be it your friends house, a watch party, a bar/restaurant, or even just sitting on the couch by yourself) that didn’t involve some sort of food?
As sports have evolved, so too have marketing efforts, bridging the gap between sports and food. At this point, Marshawn Lynch basically IS Skittles, and the only two reasons people eat Wheaties (or at least buy them) are because they either want the box with their favorite athlete on the front as a souvenir or they aspire to be that athlete when they grow up (sorry if you actually like the taste of Wheaties).
In honor of this, why not take it one step further and ask the question, “If my team were a food, which food would they be?” Fine, maybe this is nothing more than a thought between two friends, stoned out of their minds with the munchies watching SportsCenter’s highlights of the NBA. “Dude. You know what sounds good? Food. I mean bruh… what if, like… every team was a different food?” Well regardless of where the question came from, it’s one that needs to be answered.
Golden State Warriors – Gourmet Cheeseburger
This team has it all – well, except for a solid post-man – but who needs one when four out of five players on the court can hit a fade-away three? Not to mention that one guy who shoots 30-footers (“chef Curry with the pot, boy”) with about 20% more accuracy than Shaq’s career free-throw percentage.
Much like the Dubs, this ultimate, bacon-wrapped, veggie-stuffed, beer can burger, will not fail to leave a lasting impression. A truly memorable burger is characterized by the way in which all of the flavors work together to create something greater than the sum of its parts, and the same can be said for Golden State. By themselves, every player would be good, but together, they put on a performance worth traveling to experience.
San Antonio Spurs – Pancake, Bacon, and Egg Breakfast
The last time I watched a Spurs game, I could have sworn they subbed in Uncle Drew at one point. Everything about this team is old. Their coach is old, their players are old, even their style of play is old. There aren’t too many dads in America who haven’t uttered some form of “back in my day, that’s how we used to pass the basketball” while watching San Antonio play.
That said, these guys are amazing. Much like the classic pancake, bacon, and egg breakfast, they are solid in every aspect (of the game/of nutritional value). Both the traditional breakfast and the Spurs have been around for what seems like forever, but they never seem to let you down (except for games six and seven of the 2013 NBA Playoffs, but we won’t talk about that).
Cleveland Cavaliers – Steak and Lobster
Love him or hate him, you have to respect him. You know who I’m talking about. That’s right, head coach Tyronn Lue… No. Dude couldn’t even win the All-Star Game (dropping a 196-173 nailbiter to the West in a defensive showcase for the ages).
Obviously, I’m referring to LeBron. I mean he basically is the head coach anyways. Whether or not you believe that LeBron is this generation’s Jordan, you can’t deny the level of skill with which that man plays the game is exceptional.
Despite LeBron’s mastery, he has only two rings to show for his six NBA Championship appearances (but I mean hey, that’s still better than I’ll ever do). Similar to a steak and lobster dinner, any team LeBron plays for will always be special, but neither LeBron nor the steak and lobster comes without a high price.
Toronto Raptors – Kale
Since their establishment in the NBA in 1995, it’s fair to say the Raptors have been “runnin’ through the six with their woes.” Only making it past the first round of the playoffs once in their team’s history in 2001, only to lose in the semi-final round, Toronto has certainly “started from the bottom.” However, despite their playoff struggles, the Raptors are beginning to prove their relevance (in the post-Vince Carter era).
It is in this way that one could compare the Raptors to kale. Although this team hasn’t necessarily dazzled in the past, they have made the playoffs in each of their last two seasons, and they appear to be on course for doing the same this year.
It seems that the “views from the six” are getting brighter (at least the way the fans view their basketball team) in the same way that health-nuts have found a recent appreciation for kale. Not to mention both gained popularity due to endorsements by popular media figures (Heidi Klum and Jennifer Aniston with Kale and Drake with the Raptors).
Oklahoma City Thunder – Oreos
You may be wondering how OKC relates to the small (yet delicious) sandwich cookie that our generation has fallen in love with. Maybe because of Kevin Durant’s sweet jump-shot? Or possibly because OKC made to dunk the ball in the same way that Oreos are made to be dunked in milk?
Wrong. The truth is that both the Oklahoma City Thunder and the idea for Oreos were stolen from the original. Nabisco’s Oreo’s were originally a knockoff of the first cream-filled sandwich – Hydrox. Similarly, OKC is the knockoff of the Seattle SuperSonics (yeah I’m still bitter, bring ’em back).
Los Angeles Lakers – Upside-Down Cake
In 1996, the Los Angeles Lakers selected Kobe Bryant, the “Black Mamba,” with the 13th pick in the NBA draft. The following season, the Lakers finished the season with a record of 61-21. Throughout Kobe’s career with the Lakers, the team established itself as one of the most historic franchises in NBA history.
In recent years, however, the Lakers seem to have fallen off the deep end. In fact, in the 2014-15 season, they posted a record of 21-61, the exact opposite of their record in 1997-98. It is in this sense that the Los Angeles Lakers resemble upside-down cake (or alternatively, upside-down cinnamon french toast), seeing as how their game as they once knew it, as well as their record, have been flipped upside-down also.
Philadelphia 76ers – Brussels Sprouts
Honestly, I just feel bad. I mean eight wins? Really? It would have to be tough to be a 76ers fan right now. At least you don’t have to worry about bandwagon fans I guess. That being said, Philly does have a rich history of greatness in the NBA, and I’m sure there will come a day when they are champions once again. Will we see that in our lifetime? That’s another story.
However, judging by the past few years, the 76ers are right about on par with Brussels sprouts. Honestly, that may still be giving them too much credit, because Brussels sprouts can actually be prepared to taste amazing. I’m still waiting on “amazing” from the Sixers, and honestly, it’s been a while since I have even seen decent.
I am aware that there are 23 teams that I did not mention, and I leave those 23 food comparisons up to your imagination. Maybe next time you light one up, toss a few back, or whatever it is that you do on a Friday night (or any other night… let’s be honest, this is college), you will be compelled to determine a match of your own.