It’s midnight and you haven’t finished started your paper. The logical next step would be to take out your computer, but instead you find yourself concentrating on the overpoweringly loud growling noise coming from your stomach; you start to weigh your options. Your roommate ate your pretzels. The dining hall is definitely locked. Blue State is closed. Durfee’s is overpriced. But seriously, why would you even consider putting on real clothes and going outside when you could simply walk/skip/frolic/run downstairs to your residential college’s magical buttery?
Because I didn’t find myself plagued by this troubling scenario last week, I decided to put on real clothes and check out all twelve Butts. After roaming each residential college in the cold, creepily lurking as I waited for someone with swipe access to let me in, I somehow managed to find each buttery (by asking multiple people for directions) and was able to discover each one’s delicacies.
The Trolley Stop:
Named after the obnoxiously loud trolleys that relentlessly screeched as they rounded the corner of College and Elm St., the Calhoun buttery is home to the buff-chick wrap: chicken and cheese wrapped neatly in a tortilla with just the right combination of Frank’s RedHot and Ranch. Calhoun’s buttery gets bonus points for recently implementing new sustainability procedures in which only reusable plates will be used and paper plates will cost an extra 25 cents.
Berkeley’s buttery, despite being the smallest, gets creativity points for replicating one of New Haven’s most revered foods: The Wenzel. Also, for those of us who don’t want to wait until bagel brunch (or who simply can’t keep track of when bagel brunch is), it’s important to note that Marvin’s has bagels, which are stuffed with bacon, eggs and cheese and put in the Panini press to be grilled to perfection.
Aside from its delicious milkshakes, this buttery also prepares top-notch buff-chick quesadillas. I’d recommend splurging that extra $1.25 and getting the whole; go big or go home.
Saybrook’s buttery is known for the manliestwich, which is apparently in some sort of manly competition with the manwich and manlierwich. It’s clearly the winner between the three, because who doesn’t love chicken, bacon, egg and cheese all neatly packaged between two pieces of toasted bread. I look forward to the day when the womanliestwich is invented; hopefully Spoon will be the first to try it out.
This buttery also carries the manwich, a golden grilled cheese with chicken and the patron’s dressing of choice. The shiny milkshake makers are definitely the most eye-catching appliances in the JE buttery, putting to shame the measly blenders of other butteries.
The only buttery with an actual deep fryer, the Silliman buttery makes topnotch french-fries, which are astronomically more crunchy and delicious than the soggy, once-frozen ones served at the other establishments. However, the most popular item doesn’t feature french-fries. Instead, the ultraburger consists of a burger topped with 2 mozzarella sticks, bacon and cheese. This loaded masterpiece comes with a price, a whopping grand total of $4, which takes the prize for the most expensive buttery item.
Sadly, due to recent renovations, I was unable to sample the TD buttery. But new things are awesome, so the TD Butt will probably have a lot of cool features once it reopens next month.
The slammer is this buttery’s pride and joy. A burger with bacon, egg and cheese delicately placed inside a bun, this masterpiece is enough to keep you full until breakfast the next day. But just in case you’re still hungry, try out the CJ wrap – chicken, cheese, tater tots, bacon and honey mustard – which is probably named after something or someone funny, because the staff just giggled when I asked them for the story behind it.
The circle of life, stuffed with chicken and egg, allows the eater to contemplate which came first, all while enjoying the delicious blend of the two.
Although quesadillas seem to be popular in every buttery, the D-port Dive’s RJR is much more than a common quesadilla. Loaded with buffalo chicken, cheese, bacon, hot sauce and ranch, it’s a crowd-pleaser that leaves you feeling a little greasy but extremely satisfied. If it’s already 1 AM and you feel like it’s time for breakfast, indulge in the lumberjack – bacon, egg and cheese between two perfectly toasted waffles.
The Moose Buttery:
The chickendilla is the most popular item of the Stiles buttery, and the ingredients are all in the name. But if you’re feeling super hungry, order the monster – every kind of meat available stuffed between two tortillas. If you’re someone who can’t get through your studies without a lot of cheese, then try out mac ‘n cheese nachos – they start with tortilla chips and melted cheese then pile on Easy Mac and buffalo chicken, top with a fried egg and pour Frank’s RedHot and Ranch dressing over the whole thing.
This buttery definitely takes the prize for most creative names; it’s home to the Jaded Christian, David’s Tuxedo and the Jim Stanley, which is a perfect quesadilla stuffed with cheese and chicken and topped with menzel sauce – the Morsel’s own creation of Frank’s RedHot and Ranch, mixed just enough to produce a lovely light-pink blend.
Whether you’re frantically trying to get your work done, coming back from Woads or looking for a place to hang out with your friends, the buttery is definitely the best destination to get your eat on. And if you’re feeling super adventurous, I recommend trying out a new buttery and changing things up.