Alright, I’m sorry if you haven’t yet heard of this new condivelopment (condiment + development) AKA the ketchup leather square, because I don’t want anyone to endure any thoughts or any following nightmares about such a disgusting object.
But it seems that it’s too late — so I’ll just continue.
The burger: A beautiful disaster. A disorderly heaven. The new target of lose-hairs out there who want to ruin my messy eating habits.
For some sick reason, fancy farmers markets and restaurants are dehydrating homemade ketchup and, from the results, creating solidified ketchup that honestly looks like nauseating red wax.
There is NOTHING appetizing about red wax, or ketchup leather squares, or whatever you want to pretend those things are in your head.
I don’t want to “enjoy” a clean burger with my tidy ketchup leather and my tidy buns and my cheese and all that square, bourgeois shit. I want ketchup and mayo dripping down my chin. I want my cheese softened and leaking onto my burger patties. I want grease shining from the corner of my mouth.
AND IT’S NOT JUST A PERSONAL THING. EVERYONE NEEDS THIS:
STAY HUMBLE PEOPLE. DON’T LET THESE PRUDES RUIN THE SLOVENLY DELIGHT THAT IS A BURGER. Soon, more conformity via condiments will start and your burger will look like this:
Do you want to eat that? Or would you rather eat this?
Seriously, enough. This red wax ketchup thing has really put me over the edge. It’s almost as bad as the idea of eating a burger with a fork and knife.