If anyone channels their inner Guy Fieri on a regular basis, it’s me. I mean, no one does Guy Fieri better than Guy Fieri, but, as a girl with a framed picture of him on my coffee table, I can confidently say that I am one of his biggest fans.
People who come over question why I would have his picture sitting on my coffee table. My roommate even questioned my morale when I told her it was going in our living room. I have always been a fan of the notorious “Diners Drive-Ins and Dives,” and of course, “Guy’s Grocery Games.” I often find myself referring to my kitchen as “Flavor Town,” and every time I go to my hairdresser I consider bleaching my tips. Living like a true Fierian takes skills and time, so I have taken the liberty of compiling some advice for any future Fierian’s out there.
1. When referring to a place, always put the word “flavor” in front of it.
For example: “Suh dude, you going to the Flavor Club later?”
2. Bleach your tips.
(This is not optional.)
3. ONLY wear sunglasses on the back of your head, so people know you are always watching them.
Only wear them when in contact with sunlight, after crying from eating something too spicy (which is rare), or if they have flames on them.
4. NEVER regret eating anything.
Food is glorious. Food is everything. Food is a way of life.
5. Make bizarre noises when you eat said food. The louder the better.
Make sure to get some food in your bleached beard too, it adds to your character.
6. Exert copious amounts of self confidence.
You are the President of The United States of Flavor. You sell cookware at Target. You. Are. Guy Fieri.
7. Drive a cool, vintage, muscle car.
Just don’t be seen in the same one twice and be sure to have a camera crew follow you down a highway at all times.
8. Invest in approximately 43 Hawiian type shirts with flames on them and find ways to incorporate flames into every aspect of your home.
This is not my bathroom, but I wish it was.
9. Stop drinking water and drink taco grease instead.
This is vital. You want to feel the Fieri in your veins.
10. Print out a picture of him and frame it. Put it in the open for everyone who visits your home to see.
This is the photo I chose to display in my apartment. I recommend framing something similar.
11. Claim that Steve from Smash Mouth is your “brother from another mother.”
Note the similarity in facial hair.
12. Stop reading your daily horoscope and read these instead:
Now go forth my fellow Fierians. Bleach your tips, draw flames in your notebooks, look up his fraternity composite photo and convince your friends to join the movement.