Being a student is no walk in the park, and being a student at the University of Chicago is its own special kind of hell. Sometimes you just want to curl up in bed with a pint of ice cream and reflect upon simpler times. If you’re like me, this is a daily occurrence. Luckily, Bart Mart has almost every (relevant) flavor of Ben & Jerry’s.
Having had the fortunate experience of growing up in New England, I consider myself a bit of a Ben & Jerry’s expert (you could consider me a brand ambassador sans free swag). And so, I give you my much-researched and extremely thorough list of the perfect Ben & Jerry’s flavors for every debacle you might find yourself in here at the UofC:
1. You failed the last exam and/or paper.
Hazed & Confused Core
Maybe you could have sworn you edited that paragraph, or you stayed up too late studying or you simply did not prepare and were entirely oblivious for the entirety of your exam. Either way, you’re feeling hazed and confused, and Ben & Jerry’s understands.
Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream
There’s nothing like the smiling, witty face of Stephen Colbert to remind you that no, your dreams of being a Wall Street shark are not over just because you failed that SOSC paper. The waffle cone pieces don’t hurt, either.
There is something inexplicably delicious and amazing about bananas and chocolate, and this flavor will forever hold a special place in my heart labeled “This shit will turn your frown upside-down.”
2. That hookup from last Bar Night never texted you.
Milk & Cookies
Is there anything more classic and comforting than dipping warm chocolate chip cookies into a glass of milk? No, and do not argue with me on this. However, being a college student, I am far too lazy to bake cookies and buy milk every time someone fails to text me the next morning. Milk & Cookies tastes just like the real thing, but for half the effort and less $$$.
Peanut Butter Cup
Chocolate and peanut butter might be one of the greatest indulgent combinations of all time, and peanut butter cup strikes the perfect balance between the two flavors without making you feel as though you’ve just consumed 10 Reese’s cups. Also, peanut butter is a great follow up to cheap beer.
This tastes like summer, and nothing helps you get over a mistake-filled Bar Night better than reminding yourself of times when Bar Night was not a weekly opportunity for you to make poor decisions
3. Oops, you forgot to study for that exam tomorrow and have to pull an all-nighter.
The Tonight Dough Starring Jimmy Fallon
Not only is this super delicious, but it is aptly named for any late-night cramming that may come your way. Jimmy Fallon believes in you, Ben & Jerry’s believes in you, I believe in you.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
An oldie but a goodie. Sometimes the only thing that keeps you from breaking down at 4 in morning is some classic comfort, and with one of the best cookie dough to ice cream ratios of all time, this flavor has got you covered.
Brewed to Matter
What would a late night be without coffee? UChicago students certainly cannot get enough of this stuff, and naturally any coffee flavored ice cream is a must have in your study arsenal. The chocolate chunks are an added bonus.
4. Breakups and Broken Hearts (You knew this was coming.)
If the name of this flavor does not make you smile, the first bite will. Who needs a husband when you’ve got Chubby Hubby? This hubby gets along with your parents and always texts you back (metaphorically, of course).
This much chocolate is for emergencies only, so proceed with caution. Each bite is like being assaulted by cocoa beans and decadence, and I highly recommend having a glass of water at hand in case you feel overwhelmed. Sadly, crazy emergencies do exist, so I am eternally thankful for this much needed form of therapy.
Peanut Butter Half Baked
This is like Half Baked’s cooler, hip cousin who goes to college in Colorado and is majoring in gender studies. Everything you love about Half Baked but with peanut butter. This flavor is perfect for that post-breakup moment when you’ve decided to try new things and be adventurous. If a classic flavor like Half Baked can reinvent itself, who’s to say you can’t?
5. The Ultimate Go-To’s for Every Situation Ever
How do I begin to describe Karamel Sutra? Karamel Sutra’s chocolate chips are insured for $10,000. I heard Karamel Sutra does car commercials… in Japan. Basically, this flavor is awesome. It’s super sweet and chocolatey and let’s you play with your own chocolate to caramel ratios.
Taking a bite of this ice cream tastes exactly like taking a bite out of a cinnamon bun, but it feels like consuming a spoonful of ice cream. It’s the best of both worlds, and it’s my personal favorite flavor.
Arguably the most iconic Ben & Jerry’s flavor (after Cherry Garcia, of course), Phish Food sounds gross but tastes like heaven. The title is whimsical, and the little fish-shaped pieces of chocolate are cute and delicious.