In a time of tacky sweater parties and all your friends getting engaged at the same time by the end of the semester, love is probably the #1 wish you asked Santa for this year. Although it may seem like a dream that’ll never come true, that’s just a big fat lie. Anything is possible… If you make it happen. All you have to do is follow my sincerely optimistic advice, and you’ll have them under that thistle in no time.
Bribe him with cookies
Although you’ve been patiently circling the mistletoe all night giving your crush suggestive looks and smiles, he still hasn’t made a move. So as tempting as it is to give in to Jimmy-who-needs-deodorant in the corner over there, snatch up your dish of homemade chocolate chip cookies (like these) and wait for the aroma to draw Mr. Can’t-Get-A-Clue over so he’ll have no choice but to kiss you (for a cookie).
Threaten to poison his pudding
Although non-violence is preferable in any negotiation, sometimes exceptions are unavoidable. When you don’t get what you want, you should resort to desperate but necessary measures. Any means to an end, right? Don’t worry about consequences down the road when the PoPo come knocking on your door. No, live in the moment. It’s either you or the pudding.
Tease him with chocolate
Although you already have incredible seduction powers, men can be oblivious. So use your womanliness to your advantage and drag out the blocks of chocolate. As long (and as many candy bars) as it takes, show off those eyes and lips. Even if you have to empty all the shelves at Publix to do it (and get a stomachache), just know it’ll be worth it. Eventually, he’ll give in… Even if he only wants the chocolate.
Cook him his favorite meal
Food is a man’s best friend (except for Xbox) so any woman who can cook is at the top of his “perfect girl” checklist. And if you bring him his favorite meal, then you’ve got him whipped. Show off your cooking prowess, and you’ll have him falling at your feet. You know… When the strawberry sauce on your cake drizzles onto the floor, and he slips. Either way, he’ll still take the cake. And you.
Eat a chocolate-covered strawberry (slowly) in front of him
If you’re looking for a powerful love-potion to overcome your flirting failures, store up cocoa-coated strawberries. And when you whip out those babies, take your sweet time with them. Not only are strawberries romantic, but food is one of the only things men can’t resist. It’s a product of survival from caveman times. He’ll go in for the kill, and you’ll plant a big one on him before he sees it coming.
Prepare your lips with cherry-flavored lip gloss
Men can smell food a mile away. So wrap yourself in scents, ‘cause when his animal instincts catch a whiff, he’ll think he walked into a bakery. And as soon as he “taste tests” all the flavored glosses you ask him to try, pat yourself on the back for understanding the mind of men for once in your life ‘cause it’s going to be impossible the second he leaves the room and scavenges the fridge for beer.
Greet him with a piece of apple pie
The best way to ensure a good impression in front of your man is with food. Even if you walk into the room with ratty hair, ill-fitting clothes, and unshaven legs, you’ve got him in the palm of your hand as long as you smile and feed him pie. Hopefully, he won’t turn around and hang you for “food treachery” if (or when) he ever discovers the powerful weapon he’s had under his nose this whole time.
Offer him a few cups of spiked cider
Sometimes the man you’ve been crushing on actually likes you too, but he may be too nervous to show it. You know how some people say they need a little “liquid courage” to conquer their fears? Listen to them. Offer him some “special cider” when he seems a bit cold toward you, and he’ll warm up in no time. Or just slobber over you. So don’t give him too much. Just enough to inspire joy in the world.
Get your family to “encourage” it with frosting
Although it’s better to put yourself out there than to sit around waiting for someone to just fall into your lap, don’t overdo it and start mapping your future together (no lists of baby names, please). Be conservatively assertive. Your parents would be more than excited to help make your (and their) dreams happen after you stealthily scribble “future grandchildren” with frosting on the Christmas cake. You can even make your own frosting like this.
Hang Hershey’s kisses below the mistletoe
Any mysterious, little package wrapped in silver that smells like heaven and hangs from a doorframe is sure to lure any sane, food-obsessed man like a magnet. So as he nears the decoy, spring out and give him the treat that he’s really missing. Maybe two lonely hearts will be healed that night. Or… He may just be super angry you distracted him from the chocolate. You never know.