Of all the things Oxford has to offer, there’s one aspect that far surpasses all the corn, townies, overpriced clothing boutiques, squirrels and bagels:
When it comes to anything but writing snarky food related articles, my IQ tends to hover around a comfortable 14, so a mathematician I am not. But if I had to guess, the ratio of Uptown city blocks to the number of bars is probably off the charts; we certainly didn’t earn the title of “Best College Town in America” and one of the nation’s biggest party schools from various websites just by studying and treating our bodies well.
Just like boobs and snowflakes, no two Oxford bars are exactly alike. Some are moderately dirty, most are downright nasty, and a spare few are “parent safe zones.”
Stocked with the college version of “top shelf” liquor, most Miamians have that one bar that really screams “home” when you’re crying in the bathroom at 2am, or seizing/dancing amongst stangers while Snapchatting everyone and their mother.
Without further rambling, here are 7 of Oxford’s finest and what a poor blonde girl says they say about you:
1. Brick Street
If your favorite Oxford bar is Brick at any time other than Tuesday nights and Friday/Saturday afternoons, there is a very decent chance you are both a girl and a freshman. You have yet to discover better night-out options, and it’s probable that you haven’t stopped shrieking and taking selfies with 15 of your “closest” friends since about 8:30 when evening plans were first solidified. It’s midnight.
If on the off chance you’re not an uneducated child and the inch thick brown liquid covering the floor at all times doesn’t repulse you, you deserve a trophy of sorts. I imagine everything you own smells faintly of Redbull and someone else’s sweat, but who really cares? You’re a warrior.
2. “New Bar”/Side Bar
Yes, technically speaking this should be titled “The Woods/Side,” but technically speaking, if you address New as “The Woods,” I hope for your sake that you don’t actually go here.
If New/Side is your favorite late night drunken safe haven, you are most definitely the type of person who enjoys dancing on tables. Consequently, you’re also the type of person who frequently falls off tables. The next morning you will probably wake up with a bruise on your ass and the taste of 12-hour old Redskins in your mouth. Brush your teeth and ice yourself down, champ.
3. Skipper’s/Top Deck
Waffle fries at 2 in the morning? Please.
Skippers and Top Deck fall under the “parent safe zone” category for Oxford bars, mainly because the odds of finding two sweaty 20-something year olds grinding on each other on top of a pool table are surprisingly slim.
If you’re anything like me, Skipper’s is my late night go-to because I’m constantly on a “diet,” so after a long day of eating like a malnourished rabbit, my human biological needs kick into gear and I need to eat obscene amounts of fried food. Even though there’s always the chance you’ll be tasting Mac n Cheese bites again within the next few hours, you know it’s money well spent.
45 is another one of the “parent safe zones,” with its biggest downfall being the lack of enough bathrooms. I fully recommend wearing an adult diaper during a night out at 45 (and to sweeten the deal, if you come find me at 45 and are actually wearing a diaper, I will buy your drinks for the night).
Decibel is another story entirely. It’s sort of a hidden gem—and by that I mean I am an ignorant freshman who didn’t know it existed until someone pointed out to me that the stairs actually led to something. If you frequent Decibel as one of your favorites, there’s a good chance you’ll be asked to partake in a class-action lawsuit regarding lung cancer. Seriously, chill with the smoke machine.
5. Three Trees
How you doing, Serena Van Der Woodsen?
If Three Trees is your favorite Oxford bar, you have more money than I do. You have completely bypassed the “poor college student” era of your life and have graduated to moderately or well-accomplished, fully functioning adult member of society. Snore.
Seriously though, take off your fancy dress and go twerk on your best friend somewhere dirty with potentially seizure inducing strobe lights. Trust me, you’ll love it.
If you haven’t Instagrammed a picture on CJ’s wall, you’re doing it all wrong. True, it’s probably just as dirty as Brick, but with one very big distinction:
It’s not Brick.
What I consider to be one of Oxford’s pride and joys, if your favorite Oxford bar is CJ’s, you have truly found the meaning behind “Love and Honor.”
If Pachinko’s is your favorite spot, you’ve probably fallen up or down those stairs more than once. If you haven’t, you’re probably a ballerina or a gymnast or just gifted.
Pachinko’s is nice because you can dance on a stage like the wannabe Beyoncé you are without the grade A threat of unwanted grinding lurking around every dance move. You’ve managed to maintain as much self-respect as anyone who has consumed Kamchatka that night possibly can, screaming out the lyrics to “Uptown Funk” in a nonexistent key.
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