Have you ever been on a date and wished your friend had called you halfway through so you could leave? Or wished you had tried sneaking out of the bathroom window? Or wished you had the confidence to just get up and leave?
If you answered yes to any of these, please continue reading. Rather than making any plans or putting yourself in physical harm trying to escape your torture, you can simply make your date get up and leave if you play your cards right and order one of these 6 meals.
Here is what the menu looks like.
1. The Lady and the Tramp Stamp
First thing on our menu is the beloved Italian classic: spaghetti and meatballs. Going on a first date is all about opening up and getting to know the stranger sitting across from you. The easiest way to learn about a person is to ask about their career and hobbies, discuss their dreams, and of course, swap nostalgic stories childhood. But spaghetti only looks cute when it lands on the cheek of someone with only two front teeth propped up in a high chair.
2. Hunky Husks of Corn
Ever heard the joke, “Yo’ Mama’s teeth are so yellow, when she smiles on the street, cars slow down.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is a high probability she simply had corn stuck in between her teeth. However, if you’re like me and believe Leprechauns fill their pot of gold with corn, feel free to order it as long as it is off the cob; that is, of course, if you like your date.
3. Lettuce Share the Love
Everyone says to never order a salad on a date because you don’t want to look like a health freak. However, that is a minor fear. The real problem with ordering a salad is the fear that you may resemble Kermit’s twin by the end of dinner when you have spinach stuck in the crevices of your teeth. My dentist always says that white teeth are trendy and green teeth are trashy.
4. Meatloaf is Worse Than a Meat-Head
Maybe you’re trying to ease some anxiety on this first date, so naturally, you decide to order meatloaf because it’s comfort food and reminds everyone of home. Trust me, when you ask the waiter, “Can I please get the meatloaf?” no one will look at you and think “Aw, what a mama’s boy!” or “Wow, she would make for great wife material!” There is nothing sexy about ordering the meatloaf.
5. Separated at Broth
Soup? French onion soup? If you are proud of your minimal slurping achievements and can bring a spoon to your mouth while remaining dry, feel free to order soup. However, there is no way around French Onion Soup. Considering the French are supposed to have unchallenged table manners, they created a soup that may impeach us all from our royal thrones of gracefulness. Cheese hanging from your mouth and soggy chunks of bread you jammed in your cheeks will leave your date crying (not from the onion).
6. Taco to the Hand
Taco to the hand… because you’re busy trying to pick up all the taco meat and lettuce that just fell in your lap.
Taco to the hand… because your nose is running furiously from all the spice.
Taco to the hand… because these beans are giving you enough gas to re-fill your car tank.
Taco to the hand… because you’re so busy in the bathroom now dealing with all these issues that your date left because you took too long.