Whether you are sick of love, capitalism, or the price of chocolate being jacked up, these are the foods to keep you and your hatred strong on February 14.
Lemon Meringue Pie
Everything is too sweet on V-Day: the perfume, the Pinterest desserts, the stupid smile of that girl who got not one, but TWO teddy bears. Defy it all with something truly sour (but not like, too sour. We’re protesting here, not torturing ourselves). Find out how to make this pie here.
A jar of peanut butter
Or an entire sleeve of crackers, or cold pizza. Basically anything to contrast the people who are spending hours to create the perfect meal. Assembly required is overrated.
Who cares if it gets stuck in your teeth and makes your hands buttery? It is the perfect snack for people-watching happy couples collapse under the pressure of having a day of pure romance. Find out how to upgrade your popcorn here.
Leave the needless expense of lobster to someone else. Embrace crab legs as a vicious conquest of breaking shells with metal weapons and enjoying the spoils of battle (and butter).
Why? Because you don’t have to commit to some unattainable standard of perfect breath. Because you can. Learn how to roast garlic here.
You will not find any romance here. Make yours like this.
A pint of ice cream
This is not a Bridgette-Jones-sad-and-alone pint of ice cream. This is an I-can-eat-an-entire-pint-by-myself-because-f*ck-this-sharing-caring-holiday pint of ice cream. Don’t worry, if you’re vegan or dairy-free, you can still enjoy some too.
How dare we skip over Chinese New Year so easily! Did Hallmark make a card? Did CVS sell last minute red envelopes or stuffed dragons? Avenge the best food holiday by making it last six days longer.
A pyramid of sugar cubes
Show all the Hallmark sheep that it IS possible to consume an excessive amount of sugar without cutesy packaging and red dye #4.
Avoid all the cutesy colors and go straight to the color of rebellion, darkness, and your awkward tween years with Burger King’s Black Burger.
A staple of Southeast Asian cuisine. Serve it to your friend who is ALWAYS talking about her perfect relationship and see if she can still be attractive with ink on her face (disclaimer: she can’t, no one can).
Valentine’s what? Is that today? You hadn’t noticed, you’ve already moved on to the next great thing: St. Patrick’s Day. It’s based on something stronger than love – booze and leprechauns.
A goat’s heart
Probably the most hardcore Anti-Valentines food you can eat without getting all “Hannibal Lecter.”