So we all know that when the family comes over for Thanksgiving dinner, tensions run high. There’s always some passive aggressive angst about acknowledging who gained weight, your grandma always pestering you about the nonexistent romance in your life, usually someone reminding you of your lack of plans for the future, complete with a baby crying and a passed-out uncle on the couch. In order to hold onto your sanity during this annual ordeal, I have compiled a list of ridiculously absurd food puns to help ease the family gathering tension.

When the turkey still isn’t ready to eat after hours of painstaking anticipation:

“Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.”

When that one family member makes everyone uncomfortable by revealing that they cannot eat the turkey due to a recent decision to become a vegetarian:

“I would eat the salad too, but I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak.”

Photo by Amanda Shulman

When someone comments under his breath about his opinion on the poor quality of the food:

“My mom ran out of poultry seasoning, so she just winged it.”

When someone asks what you plan to do after college, slyly distract them with:

“Why did the man bring an umbrella with him into the ice cream store? (I will be living in a box.) Because he heard there was a chance of sprinkles! Can someone pass the mashed potatoes?” (cue quarter-life crisis)


Photo by Daniel Schuleman

When someone brings up a controversial topic, lighten the mood with your viewpoint on the situation:

“People who eat their apples stem, seed and all improve their core values.”

When your younger cousin is too picky to eat any of the food:

“Seven days without pizza makes one weak, so do you want some cheese to go with your whine?”

Guide to Stuffing

Photo by Rachel Ferreira

When everyone starts gossiping about another family member in the next room:

(In dramatic voice with pretend microphone in hand) “A reporter was at an ice cream store getting the scoop.”

When you realize you gained ten pounds and cannot move due to impending food coma:

“I went to a buffet dinner with my neighbor, who is a taxidermist, and after such a big meal, I was stuffed.”

Don’t get caught in a pinch (of seasoning) this Thanksgiving. When your family’s close proximity creates a ticking time bomb, just bust out some of these corn(y) puns to save the holiday!

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