A Thank You Letter to My Drug-Like Addiction

For two years of my life going into my freshman year of college, I had a drug-like addiction. This addiction consumed me. It turned me into a person that I never was, nor one that I liked. As it started to consume me it kept growing through my body, into my bloodstream, minimizing the big heart I once had, dulling the vibrant brain I was once proud of and toxifying the energetic soul I was known for.

This addiction is one that after months of craving it so bad, relapsing over and over, finally becoming dry and then reflecting upon my experience, that I now write to.

So, to my emotionally abusive relationship, I want to say...

Thank you.

I thank you because I experienced an abundance of romantic feelings I never did once before. I know the difference between lust and love. 

I thank you because you proved to me that life is too short to let anyone or anything resist you from following your dreams.

I thank you because although I let love overshadow my common sense, I promised myself that I would never again let anyone dictate whether I can go out to a party or a nightclub. Girl’s don’t go out solely to "find a hook up." 

I thank you because now, I want to take every opportunity possible to travel and explore unfamiliar cities more than ever. Girls trip to Mykonos?

I thank you because my motivation to go to law school and become the next Jessica Pearson has only grown stronger. I don’t have to be a stay-at-home wife.

I thank you because I am now incredibly independent. I don’t have to do every activity with someone else. Sometimes doing things alone is refreshing.

I thank you because the restrictions you put on me, pushed me even more to join a sorority where I met 160 amazing women who are 160 resources for support. I never feel alone anymore. #ChioTillIDieO

I thank you because I am not glued to my phone as I once was. I’m not worried anymore of someone getting mad if I take longer than a half hour to respond.

I thank you because I will never rely on social media to reassure my love for someone or someone else's love for me. I don’t have to share an Instagram post once a week with the same person so my followers know they’re “mine.” 

I thank you because I will never use Snapchat to visibly control where people are. Tbh I mostly use it for the weekly horoscope story.

I thank you because I have no doubt ordering chicken fingers and fries at 2 am. Fat shame no more.

I thank you because I am no longer afraid of having friends that are guys. Not every guy thinks about “getting in your pants.”

I thank you because I will constantly brag about being from Spain and how much better its food is, especially their oranges (Ok, I may be a bit biased). This time, I don’t feel ashamed of where I come from.

I thank you because now, I use my own experience with my friends when they ask me for relationship advice.

I thank you because now, I am finally myself again

But to my emotionally abusive relationship, I thank you the most because you showed me something incredible that I never realized I had. 

My Support System

To my mother, I thank you because when I would cry in the middle of the night you would come into my room to slip under my covers with me and hold my hand until I stopped crying and fell asleep beside you. I thank you because you showed me what being selfless is when you put your career on hold to prioritize the happiness of your daughter.

To my father, I thank you because through all the harsh lectures you gave me as a protective dad, you taught me how to handle criticism. I thank you because when I would cry you did not console me. You told me to toughen up, that no one was worth my tears, and to not let others influence my morals and values.

To my brother, I thank you because even being younger you constantly protected my well being, my happiness, and the quality of my relationships, even if that meant getting in the way of others. I thank you because you, still to this day give the most thoughtful and realistic advice. I guess you can since you know nothing will get rid of you! 

To my aunts, uncles and cousins, I thank you because even being over 3,000 miles away you constantly checked up on me and reminded me that through thick and thin, family will always be the strongest type of love.

To my family, I thank you all together because you always supported my decisions whether you agreed with them or not. You knew that sometimes the best way for me to learn was on my own. You were right.

To my friends that I lost because I was too stubborn to follow your advice, I thank you for wanting the best for me and expressing your concern.

To my friends that did not once leave my side when you were caught in the middle of my madness, I thank you for answering my calls at 1 am, for constantly believing in me and having faith that the old me would come back. 

To my guy friends that would check up on me, send me funny memes of Pitbull and cook me my favorite chorizo, I thank you for giving me little things to smile about.

To my sorority sisters, I thank you for listening to me when no one else was around and taking my phone away when something came up that you knew I would not have wanted to see.

To my roommates and best friends, I thank you for distracting me from my pessimistic thoughts, bringing me somewhere you know I could dance and allowing me to be happy again. I thank you for introducing me to new people to open up my eyes to the diversity of people that’s out there. I thank you for taking me to restaurants you know I will obsess over, for reading my horoscope every day to warn me of any mishaps I may run into and pushing me to take that architecture class I always wanted to.

But I thank you guys the most for wiping the tears on my face when I reminisce on old memories in the kitchen. I thank you for telling me I’m an idiot when a stupid idea comes across my mind. I thank you for yelling at me in anger when I try to justify that what I went through wasn’t “that” bad or when I had thoughts of relapsing. I thank you for constantly reminding me of how much of a different person I was when I was addicted. I thank you for constantly reminding me that I deserve better. I thank you for always putting me back on track when I lose direction. I thank you endlessly for your endless love. I thank you endlessly for teaching me through friendship what true love really entails.

So to my drug-like addictive emotionally abusive relationship, I thank you. I thank you for consuming me, becoming me, internally destroying me and the people around me. I thank you, for giving me the experience of defeating something that was about to kill me. And whether cliché or not, what didn’t kill me made me stronger. Seriously, thank you. 

I thank you for constantly reminding me of how much of a different person I was when I was addicted. I thank you for constantly reminding me that I deserve better. I thank you for always putting me back on track when I lose direction. I thank you endlessly for your endless love. I thank you endlessly for teaching me through friendship what true love really entails.