Before college, I swore that I would never get into coffee. For me it was all tea, all the time. In fact, the only time I ever consumed any sort of coffee was if it was frozen and topped with whipped cream, and even then I told myself that it “didn’t really count.”
But before long, late nights at the library and early morning classes had me hitting the coffee station hard, with only one packet of Splenda to protect me from becoming a real coffee “purist.”
It wasn’t long before my morning drink of choice was met with sudden outcry. “Eww, that’s so gross! How can you drink it like that? Are you sure you don’t want just a little cream?”
I soon came to realize that my choice to drink black coffee really had an effect on the people around me… guys, I’m totally kidding. My mouth, my choice. But I did realize that people started to see me differently because of my coffee habit. Here are 13 misconceptions about people who drink black coffee.
1. We only drink it this way when we need to stay awake
No, actually, but it’s really thoughtful that people are concerned with my sleeping habits! I can drink coffee anytime, anywhere. I could be wide awake and still order it black… just a force of habit now. Besides, if you’re measuring coffee by the scoop, lighter coffee technically has more caffeine.
2. We’re all trying to lose weight
I’m not going to deny that there are certain metabolic and caloric benefits to drinking black coffee. Plenty of people use black coffee to give them that extra jolt of energy before a hardcore workout, but that doesn’t mean everyone who enjoys black coffee is heading for the treadmill. Black coffee is a pretty good option for people who can’t deal with the lactose in creams or milks, or people who find flavored syrups too sickly sweet.
So next time you see someone drinking their coffee straight up, don’t ask them if they’re trying to lose weight. Actually… never ask anyone if they’re trying to lose weight. Just a bad move all around, kids.
3. ~No one~ drinks black coffee… we must all be weirdos
Hold it right there. While the argument that black coffee drinkers are more likely to be psychopaths certainly isn’t helping the cause, that doesn’t mean that black coffee drinkers are an absolute minority. According to Statistic Brain, up to 35% of coffee drinkers in the US take their cup of coffee black. Thirty-five percent of the 100 million coffee drinkers in the United States doesn’t seem too shabby to me…
4. We’re all artsy, tortured souls
Okay, I’ll say it: I’m an English major who drinks black coffee. That’s as stereotypical as it gets, and I know it. That being said, many other people outside of the humanities drink their coffee black. For example, I know a bunch of business majors at my school who take their coffee without all the fancy fixings.
And to refer back to point number three, I’m sure not every member of the thirty-five percent of 100 million people sits around in smokey cafes with a dark turtleneck and beret drinking a cup of black coffee. Who would buy all those turtlenecks?
5. We judge everyone for getting fancier coffee drinks
Hey, this whole article is about not judging people. I understand why people like fancy coffee drinks: they’re sweet, they’re fun to order (the words “frappuccino” and “coolatta” will always be more fun to say than “black coffee”), and some even come with pretty foam art.
Like I said, I understand why people like those drinks… I just choose to spend my money on something different. I will defend your right to order whatever you want to the death, but at the end of the day, I’ll always prefer my simple little cup o’ Joe.
6. We only want our coffee black when it’s hot
Whenever I’m home on break, one of my first stops is the local Dunkin’ Donuts. My little Massachusetts town proudly boasts four of them within its borders, and getting that first sip of Dunks is such a treat when I’m back on my home soil. But it causes confusion to no end when whoever is ordering for me hears that I want my coffee black no matter what the temperature of the drink is.
“Black? But it’s iced coffee! You have to have a little something!” I don’t know about anyone else, but to me, coffee is coffee regardless of temperature (even if science dictates otherwise). I can barely remember to pack enough socks to go away for a weekend, why would I confuse myself with differing amounts of milk depending on my coffee’s temperature?
7. It doesn’t matter where we get our black coffee
Yes, different cups of black coffee might all look the same, but they certainly don’t taste the same. Being a loud and proud Masshole, I’ll always swear by my black coffee from Dunks. However, I’m sure that my New York friends will say that Starbucks is the much better option.
Even the coffee from the dining hall tastes different than the coffee you can get from different franchises. It’s that subtle distinction between sweet and bitter, between medium roast and dark roast, that makes all the difference.
8. We think that using any sweetener is cheating
I’m still new at this whole coffee thing myself… I’d like to think that my palate has not completely developed yet in terms of all things java. So, I tend to drink my black coffee with a packet of Splenda. That doesn’t mean I have to turn in my membership card to the BCDA (Black Coffee Drinkers’ Association).
Sure, there are some people who strictly abide by the no sweetener rule, and good for them. But some people, myself included, won’t go and tattle if you need a little boost of sugar in your morning cup. We’ve all been there. Plus, there are still plenty of sweetening options if you’re really trying to avoid sugar.
9. We can’t have any flavoring in our coffee
This is similar to misconception number eight, but it’s a misperception for a reason, people. There are plenty of varieties of black coffee that are delicious and flavorful. At my school’s coffee stand, for example, they provide vanilla hazelnut coffee. This coffee comes without any milk or cream when you pump it straight from the container, but it still tastes great.
“Black coffee” doesn’t necessarily equate to “boring coffee.” Even national chains like Starbucks offer flavored black coffee for sale. Your coffee can still be black, but have all the delicious flavor of your favorite, creamier drinks.
10. If we need our coffee straight up, we must all be grumps
*sigh* Guys, really? Drinking coffee without all the milk and sugar does not mean that we need a prescription for happy pills. Coffee actually does a lot of good things for your emotional state, especially if it’s uninhibited by milk and sugar.
According to this Huffington Post article, people who drink four or more cups of coffee a day are 10 percent less likely to be depressed than those who have never had a cup of coffee before. Additionally, coffee has been linked to lower levels of suicide, which is definitely a plus.
11. It’s just a phase we’re going through
Most people who drink black coffee will tell you that this is 100% false. Sure, there are people who only drink black coffee out of necessity (like if you’ve run out of creamer but need a caffeine fix), but anyone else can tell you that we drink black coffee because it tastes good and we love the damn stuff.
Now that I’ve started on the black coffee train, I find myself wanting creamers less and less, and I find myself craving black coffee more and more. You know what they say, “once you go black…”